This is my life.

Get off on the pain

2011-12-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

My whole life I been picking fights
There ain't no way to win
Got a hundred scars I should have run away
Now tattooed on my skin
There's a side of me that just won't stop
Dancin' in the flame
Maybe I just get off on the pain

I think I am damaged. I've lived my whole life getting hurt, and it didn't occur to me to break that cycle. Now I'm so far deep I don't have anywhere to go but further down. I feel like no one hears me when I try to break out of this, and I'm finally beginning to give up.

I've resolved to learn to like it, to get off on the hurt. Hurt is anger, and anger is productive, productivity is good, so hurt is good. Makes sense, right?

Wake up every morning, a thousand miles from home
Praying for forgiveness
For this aching in my bones
It would be so easy
To find a better way
Oh but I know I'll never change

It doesn't matter what you do anyway, you can always just say you're sorry.

Abuse?

2011-11-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

Pop culture time.
William Adams, a Texas judge, beat his daughter. Oh, wait, correction. He "spanked" her. A 16 year old woman got a spanking from her father. Everyone is outraged. The media has lit this story on fire and taken off with it. Most are completely shocked, some are angered, a few think he is right.
It makes me sad. I watched the video. It was awful. Not just because of what he did, but because when I close my eyes, I know that I was her. If you swapped out a few colors and made the beater a woman, that was my life.
I think it is hard to think of yourself as a victim. I never thought I was a victim. I thought my parents were awful, evil beings. I thought that I needed to leave their house in order to live a successful life. I thought a lot of things, but never that I was abused.
Now that I am growing up, looking back, a lot of things are clear.
I grew up in a house where I was invaluable, I was the girl with "brown hair and green eyes" and "everyone knows the blondes with blue eyes fetch a higher price on the market". I was allowed to do things and be a normal teenager when it fit into their life. When it didn't, I was a maid. There is really no other word for it. I was a punching bag when they were mad and lost their temper. I was Hillary Adams when they wanted to stomp on my will and make me feel shame. That is the majority of my memory from growing up. Shame. Dishonorable and disgraceful. That feeling after someone has just whipped you and you had no choice but to stand there and take it is awful. There is no way to describe it but pain. There are no words for the feeling in your heart when you are begging them to stop, please, enough is enough, and see them stare back at you with blank eyes and tell you to turn around and take it like a woman. Picture the worst feeling you have ever experienced (aside from a death, I wouldn't be able to compare against that, having never lost someone close) now multiply that feeling by 500. You thought crying on your knees asking your first love to please not leave you was hard, try crying on your knees begging your parent to stop hurting you. You think you were lonely after your best friend slept with your boyfriend, try lying on your bed alone knowing that not even your own parents, the people who gave you life and raised you, don't value you enough to stop when you beg them. You think you were ashamed when you got caught shoplifting, try sitting down and wincing at the bruises on your legs and knowing that you weren't as strong as they are. There is no way to describe the feeling you get when you are conquered by your mother and her leather belt.
I would not like to admit it, but I have carried a lot of that shame into my adult life. I still say I'm sorry when I'm not. I still flinch if you snap a belt. I still feel like surely no one could love me, ME. Who can love an awkward, fat girl with brown hair and green eyes when there is a world of skinny, charming blondes?
I'm learning. I'm trying very hard to learn, but lessons like that take a while to eradicate. In the meantime I will refuse to believe that I was abused and will continue to say I'm sorry.

You dirty girl, you.

2011-10-06T09:39:00.000-06:00

There are many things my parents taught me when I was growing up. One of the most important/useful was probably how to be a proper ~~maid~~, I mean housewife.I have essentially ditched all their lessons in my lazy, overworked state, but I did pick my ass up and do one thing this week: clean the bathroom. One things I will most definitely teach Cadence is this-

Your house can be a little dirty and be acceptable- a dirty house means you are living too much too clean (sometimes, don't push it. This excuse does not work when you are watching TV.)
Your bathroom can NEVER be dirty and acceptable- a dirty bathroom means you are a slob. Point blank.

The Mommy Club

2011-10-06T09:35:00.000-06:00

I wasn't aware of it, but at some point in my blossoming adulthood, a club formed, and I was not invited. Many of my good friends are in this club, and most of them are happy about this. None of them acknowledge openly that they are in the club, but it is very clear. They have stopped associating with those of us not in the club and started associating with people who are in the club that they used to despise. They have begun acting strangely and are almost completely different people.
What is this club, that makes people change everything? The mommy club.
That's right folks, at the ripe age of 20, I am upset because I have been uninvited to the mommy club. It almost makes sense, I mean, I am not a mommy in that I carried my child. But I still feel like I'm a little bit of this club. I have more parenting experience than many of the girls in the club, I mean, I do have an 8 year old (kind of). Logically though, I am more of a parent than many of the parents I know. I have been a parent for two years, and I don't do a poor job, I think. But still, because I wasn't pregnant and fat and didn't have a shower and registry, I am not a part of the club.
I get it, I do, and my feelings really aren't that hurt, I just wish the mommy club didn't have to be so inclusive. I wish being in the mommy club didn't mean you couldn't be in the "grown-up" club.

Slow Dancin in a Burning Room

2011-08-10T08:46:00.000-06:00

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

It's a crazy feeling. Watching your life fall apart. It's a little strange, to watch and know what's happening and not be able to do anything about it. I'm unhappy. I have been unhappy for a LONG time. I have not admitted I'm unhappy to anyone yet. I wonder if this can be stopped. I wonder if it should be...
Only time will tell.

Forever Seventeen

2011-08-01T21:32:00.000-06:00

It's almost my birthday. WOW. I'm nearly done with my teen years. I'm already an adult. It's so ridiculous. I feel like I'm still a teen, but I also feel like a middle aged woman trapped in a girl's body.
I heard this song, and it felt right, so here's my gift to you for today, my favorite: Tim Mcgraw.

"Forever Seventeen"

Let's be honest, you're not flawless
But you're as close as anything I've seen
You're not the woman you envisioned
But your life is not a broken time machine
No, it's not that bad
No, it's really not that bad

A little midnight chardonnay
Smooth the edges off the day
A little taste of maryjane
Makes you feel young again
All those years around your eyes
Always take you by surprise
You've been living in a dream
Forever 17

A reckless lover, a father figure
You search for both in every man you meet
You're not a mother and sometimes you wonder
If a son or daughter just might make you feel complete
But no, you don't need someone else
No, it's hard enough to learn to love yourself

Cinammon Rolls + Bacon = Love

2011-07-18T15:35:00.000-06:00

For all of you slackers out there who are like me and need a little bit of inspiration to work out, here's a bit of joy:

Is that... No... It couldn't be!!!
Yes folks, that is a cinamon roll wrapped around bacon. It is amazing. It makes my mouth water. Before you try this though, you're probably going to want to pre-workout. And then Post workout. And then eat another one. = )

Here's the how to; Have fun!

Bacon Cinnamon Rolls

Three Thing Thursday

2011-07-14T15:41:00.001-06:00

I'm taking a cue from my friend Shelby and lists on Thursdays. Hers is a bitching list, but I don't think I can get angry enough to bitch on Thursdays, I mean, thursdays are so close to fridays, you can't help but be happy.
Anyway, Thursdays=Lists. Okay? But only 3 thing lists. That's the deal.
This Thursday is going to be about J Greezy, my lover. Why, do you ask, should John get the privledge of being featured in my first ever 3 thing Thursday? Well, for many reasons:
1) I love him.
2) He loves me.
3) We have been together for 11 months today.

No, that wasn't the list. It was a prequel to the list. Reasons why I can make this list. I know, I'm slightly crazy, leave me alone.

Anyway, JOHN. We've been together for 11 months, and it seems like it has flown by! In this last month of our first year of marriage, I'd like to make some changes to myself in order to improve my relationship.

1) Be a better housewife: John has never really been impressed with my housekeeping skills. This is mostly due to the fact that they are non-existent. I must say though, I have been trying. My recent obsession with becoming the cultural Martha Stewart has not been impressive to him though. Sure, I can make a mean cookie now, but that doesn't get the laundry from the washer to the dryer, now does it. (It actually might if he could figure out how to make a cookie compartment in the dryer that only opens when the washer is empty...) This month, I'm setting my goal to a) Always switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer; b) Washing the dishes directly after dinner; c) Cleaning one room a day every day so that it never gets beyond control.

2) “Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” -Zig Ziglar
John and I argue. We have always argued, we probably always will. I would like to stop though. It just takes one person to shut their trap, and the whole day goes better. This month, I want to be that person. I'm not setting a concrete, measurable goal on this (even though it is rubbing me the wrong way, what is a goal if you don't have a way to measure it and accomplish it?) I am still making it a goal.

3) Be happier. This is just a general thing, also not measurable, but something that will greatly improve the lives of everyone around me. I guess all you can do is try. Try, fail, and try again.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.”

Hi... Wanna be my friend?

2011-07-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

We have lived here in Texas for about a year and half. I have held several jobs with people my age. I go out to parties and "socialize", but still, nothing. I'm just not having any luck meeting anyone. I guess I;ve just forgotten how to do it.
I wish I was better at it, but I'm not. I suck at this. I get scared and fidgety when I try to meet people alone. I need a wingman in order to make friends, but John is not a good wingman for making girl friends. He's too attractive, he intimidates them. Hell, he intimidates me!
But I'm still trying.
We've been to pool parties, bars, clubs, all sorts of places. But nothing. I have made one friend, and by proxy two more friends, while in Texas. I'm not even sure those friends like me though. They are very flaky for "friends". I have adpoted some of John's friends, who he made through my friend, and tried hanging out with them. I wish they were girls. They are my kind of people: chill. They like playing Mario Kart on the Wii and swimming all summer. They drink and smoke and party, but not too much for my tastes. They dress nicely and take care of themselves. They are smart but not so smart that they think they're better than me. But alas, they are boys, and boys like to watch baseball, not True Life of the American Teenager. That is sad for me.
But try, I will. I think today I will try at the mall. Or maybe I'll call an old connection for dinner and drinks. Something.. Either way, I'm pretty determined to make a friend. A friend that's all my own, not John's friend, not M's friend. MY friend. It will be great.

Gregory Alan Wagnon

2011-07-12T22:55:00.003-06:00

'The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!' -Eleanor Roosevelt

I hope one day you find this. I hope you find this and you understand how sorry I am. I'm sorry for things you probably didn't even hold against me.
I left you. I left you in the middle of the desert and didn't look back and I regret it so much. I made a promise to you to wait, and I failed. I failed miserably and it is one of my top regrets to this day.
I don't regret the way things worked out because I have John and I love him to pieces and I have a great job and goals and I'm finally starting to figure things out, you know. But I regret the way things happened. I should have been honest with you. I shouldn't have made promises a 17 year old girl can't keep. I shouldn't have abandoned you when you were alone and vulnerable.
I got rid of you. I'm sure you got rid of me, too. John was upset when he found out I was still holding on to you. I'm sure M. wouldn't be excited if you had old love letters hiding in a box in the closet either. I wish I had kept them though. Not for you, but for me. They were from a time when I thought love could outlast anything. Love could live through a war! We were young and invincible! Or so I thought. I was wrong, as I tended to be more often than not back then. We were very vincible. It only took months of longing and a pretty face to prove that point.
I used to believe it though, and that's all that really matters. I believed that we would be together, maybe not forever, but at least for a time. I believed that we would meet and it would be perfect. I would dream about it, write about it, fantasize about it. I was reading through the Reno-Vault and even back then, it was my dream. I fell in love with you before I even got to know you. It's silly, really. My mother used to always tell me I wasn't in love with YOU, but the IDEA of you. I'm not sure if she's right. I think I held tight to you for all the right reasons. You are a beautiful person. Truly. I've met very few people in this world that are as amazing as you. I hope you know that. I hope you never feel inadequate. I hope you always know how wonderful you are.
I wish I could take out all the bad in the world for people like you. John is just like you. He has a beautiful heart. When I met him, I couldn't help but compare you. You are both amazing men, I just fell in love with him harder. He completes me in more ways than I could describe.
I hope you find that. I hope someday you marry a beautiful, amazing girl and she is everything you ever wanted, everything I could not be. I won't know about that though, because I am not a part of your life, and you are not a part of mine. It is for the best, I am sure. We were never quite just friends, and I'm not sure we ever could be, and I love my husband too much to risk anything coming between it. Sometimes though, I wish I could talk to you as a friend. I wish I could have those talks and feel like maybe I could be better. Sometimes.
In the end though, you will go your way and live, and I will go my way and live, and we won't remember any of this is 50 years; but I hope you know, I did love you. I loved you and I lost you before I even knew what I was doing and I wish I had at least been big enough to tell you that I was lost. I hope you know that I will always be here for you, if you need it. I'm sure you won't, because you are you, but if you do, you know where to find me.

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Friday Night Lights

2011-07-11T09:29:00.000-06:00

A few months ago, I fell in love. We're talking, head over heels, can't stop myself, just wann be around it love. With whom, you ask?
With Friday Night Lights.
It's beautiful, it's challenging, it makes me laugh and cry and angry and overwhelmingly happy. Like when Julie walked into Matt's Chicago apartment. Or when Jason found out about Lyla and Tim. Or when Tim tried to get Lyla back by being "religious". It just makes me heart pound. It really brings you back, back to high school, back to the good days.
I think it also makes you realize that high school never ends. It just continues. High school becomes bigger and more challenging. Instead of having to make your car payment, you have to make a house payment. Instead of cleaning your room, you have to clean your house. Before, you had to babysit your little sister, now you have a baby to take care of full time. It's crazy, how life doesn't really change, it just gets bigger.
Friday Night Lights makes me think. Think about where I want to be when I have a house and a baby. Think about who I want to be and if I want to be the giver like Tami, or if I want to take like Coach.
It makes me want to help, to be better, and to make the world better.
FNL inspires me. It inspires me like nothing else I know. Someday, I want to be Tami, and I want to have a marriage like theirs. I want to have a teenager that thinks they're smarter than me but knows in their heart that I will always catch them when they fall.

If you haven't already, watch FNL, you won't regret it. While you're at it, go for Prison Break, too. Not as inspirational, but still entertaining.

Quest to find organization!

2011-07-08T11:57:00.001-06:00

I was not born organized. I just wasn't; I wish I was, but I wish I was Megan Fox, too, and it doesn't look like either of the two will happy anytime soon.
Despite it not coming naturally, I am determined to be organized. To have my life on lock down, to know where I am going, what I am doing, what I will be doing, and when I will be doing it. I want to walk into my house and know where my checkbook, keys, and purse are. It is a challenge, to say the least.
I've decided to channel my inner Martha Stewart in order to complete this mission. Martha is my newest idol. She cooks, sews, and can ALWAYS find her keys. I bet in Martha's house, things are not turned upside down constantly because things like checkbooks go missing. I bet she never thinks, "Damn, if only I had written down where I put it in my phone, maybe then I'd be able to find it..." Nope, Martha is a genius, an organized genius.
Today, I'm going to share my new favorite organizing techniques from Martha.

Wall Papered Shelves

If you have been to my house anytime recently, you know my "Office" is not much of an office. It's more like a junk space. It didn't used to be like this. Because of a low budget and a lot of junk, it has become a junk space. I want to revamp it with something like this. I don't necessarily like the wall paper, but I love the uniform boxes. Ikea has something similar, but insead of floating shelves, they use a bookshelf. I would love a bookshelf, if it was completely custom and went floor to ceiling and would fit every house I will ever live in; however that is simply not going to happen. The main thing I love about these storage ideas is the uniform feeling, even though there are different storage sizes. I have a ton of things I should be keeping better care of (pictures/cards/keepsakes/receipts/files) and this is the perfect solution!

Towels.

I always have trouble with towels, especially in rentals/apartments. I don't ever have enough, and I never have enough places for them! Where should the towel go?? My husband hangs his over the shower rod, but I can't expect my guests to do that! Incoming, SOLUTION!!! Hanging behind the door! It's genius, plus, with all the sticking magic hanging around the "organizing" section at all Wal-Mart, I'm sure I can find this solution for under $10. Genius.

I also fell in love with this method of presentation. It's so clean and pristine. I know it would look perfect on the counter! I want to have the kind of house that makes people feel like they have arrived at a spa. A beautiful, lavish, wonderful spa with 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets on the king sized bed and plush white towels tied together with a bow in the bathroom. Obviously this is a little over the top, I don't have 600 thread count Egyptian cotton on my bed! A girl can dream though! My guest bedroom is also known as the "Black and white" room. It is very incomplete, but I'm working on it. I'll share pics later. That being said, I would like to stick with the theme in the bathroom and get white towels with a gray ribbon. It would be beautiful. I need a new shower curtain/rug.

One of my friends has a gorgeous idea for her hand towels that I am totally going to steal. The white little hand towels rolled (instead of folded) in the basket is a complete spa touch. I just love it. she uses a bigger basket with more towels, but I think I will get a smaller one with just 6 towels instead. I love the white in there though. Not only does it lend a spa feel, but white will be so much easier to keep clean than any other color. When my friends wash their make up off with a white hand towel, it can be easily bleached white again. You can't do that with blue towels.

That's all I've got for now, be rest assured, my inspiration comes daily. Martha will always be my favorite girl, simply because she's Martha! No one else is as amazing to me as her (ok, maybe they are, but not in the homemaking department). Besides, who else do you know that can fold the perfect fitted sheet?

Hey Jude...

2011-07-07T15:35:00.000-06:00

Hey Jude by the Beatles is one of my all time favorite songs. I'm really not even sure why, it's pretty simple and doesn't relate to my life in some crazy way, I just like it.
So, without further adieu, my new favorite things:

Grandma Sue would be proud.

2011-07-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

Due to my recent desire to find myself, and my goal to become the more culturally inspired Martha Stewart, I've been experimenting with cooking Korean food. Let me tell you, it is going well.
Initially when I went on this search, I looked for the perfect recipe, not too complicated, but still delicious and complex tasting. This is what I came up with:

Ingredients

1 pound flank steak, thinly sliced
5 tablespoons soy sauce
2 1/2 tablespoons white sugar
1/4 cup chopped green onion
2 tablespoons minced garlic
2 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

Directions

Place the beef in a shallow dish. Combine soy sauce, sugar, green onion, garlic, sesame seeds, sesame oil, and ground black pepper in a small bowl. Pour over beef. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour or overnight.
Preheat an outdoor grill for high heat, and lightly oil the grate.
Quickly grill beef on hot grill until slightly charred and cooked through, 1 to 2 minutes per side.

At just 232 calories per serving, I can eat two servings, half a pound of this stuff, guilt free! That is exciting to me.

So, off on my shopping adventure to fond the only things I don't have: Sesame seeds and oil. Maybe I'm just naive, but I didn't realize how EXPENSIVE seasonings were. Looking back, I was a spoiled kid, to get to eat foods like this all the time. I searched the local grocery stores for sesame products, but no cigar. I finally found some at Market Street (which was an awful experience, but I'll tell you about that another day) and it was $5 for a tiny pouch of sesame. I'm not poor by any means, but I am too smart to pay five bucks for two ounces of seeds, so I decided to treck to the Asian market.
I love Asian people, Asian culture, Asian foods, pretty much everything Asian except for Asian markets. I've heard tales that there are nice ones that would be a shopper's dream, but I have never been to one of those kinds. The kinds of Asian markets I find are scary, on back alleys and nearly cleaned out except for an industrial freezer full of fish and two shelves hanging on the walls. The market I went to wasn't that bad, but it still wasn't great.
I found my sesame ($5 for a huge can) and oil and went to check out when I saw someone eating a strange fruit. My curiosity overwhelmed me and I had to find out more about these spiky little creatures. Apparently their name is Rambutan and they are delicious. It took me a while to figure out how to get it open and eat it, but it was well worth the juice in my eye once I had conquered the Rambutan.

Once I put together my marinade and sliced my meat (paper thin, I was pretty proud) it took all I had not to eat the meat raw. It smelled soooooo good!
24 hours later, we pan fried it (Alcohol caused me to overcook a tad bit) and it was just as amazing as I remembered.
The only part of this recipe I would change is to use a sirloin instead of flank. Unless you have a tip for how to tenderize the meat a little better.
At the end of the day though, I think my inner Martha Stewart is progressing rather well..

Now if only I could figure out how to not blow up yeast bread in the oven......

That's just what mothers do

2011-07-05T11:38:00.002-06:00

I married young. Very young. 18 years old. I knew what I was getting into with John, and I was happy with that. My husband the happiest, most ridiculously frustrating person I know. I love him for all his faults though, and I knew when we married what would need work and what would get better.
I was not prepared for Aiden. In some ways, I was: I knew how to make him a peanut butter for sandwich; I knew that in order for him to go to bed at a decent hour he had to get in at least three hours of play; I knew that if I wanted him to be decently behaved, he had to go to bed at a decent hour. What I wasn't prepared for was the change in our little relationship. When I met Aiden for the first time, I was exciting. I was pretty and young and fun and shiny and NEW. What 7 year old doesn't want a new toy? After my husband and I ended our brief courtship with marriage though, things changed. It was like he knew that it was my fault his mom and dad would never be together, I ruined his world. I instantly became the evil stepmother I was certain I would never be.
Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I treat Aiden poorly or any different than any other child in my life. I buy him candies and let him stay up late occasionally, but things are different. Normally, kids LOVE me. I'm not exaggerating at all; I have had more 3 year old "boyfriends" than I've had actual boyfriends. Aiden just tolerates me. Some days he will tell me how great I am, and that I'm the best, but at the same time, he will tell me he hates me and that I'm evil and I make his life miserable with his next breath.
Aiden's heroes are his mom, dad, and grand parents. I will never be among those people in his mind. It is hard for me to accept this. Unlike the rest of the world, who I can woo with my looks and smarts and achievements, I have nothing that impresses Aiden, and chances are I never will be impressive to him. It doesn't matter that I am smarter than his grandparents, a better cook than his mom, or more thoughful than his dad. At the end of the day, I am, and always will be his evil stepmother.

I saw this essay online, and it's so perfect.

To all my fellow evil stepmothers, if you have found the key to impressing the most difficult (little) man in my life, share. Please.

Fearless

2011-05-19T12:58:00.002-06:00

I am afraid of the people I am convinced live in my attic.
I am afraid of the drivers who do not know how to merge.
I am afraid of getting pulled over and being stranded.
I am afraid of the sun eventually engulfing
I am afraid of the dark.
I am afraid of silence.
I am afraid of getting fat.
I am afraid of losing a limb.
I am afraid of getting old.
I am afraid of my grandparents dying.

I am afraid of crazy, unreasonable things.
I am afraid of realistic, reasonable things.
I am afraid of things that have a good chance of happening.
I am afraid of things that will definitely happen.

I am not afraid of you.
I am not afraid that we will fail or that it will not work.
I am not afraid of you leaving me or me leaving you.
I am not afraid of us someday not being happy.
I am not afraid because I am certain that no matter what, we will always be us.

We will always be ridiculous and crazy.
We will always be a little bit wild.
We will always be just a little different than everyone else.
We will always be US.

I hope you know how my confidence in us makes me love you that much more.
I wish you understood how amazing it feels for me to be fearless.

5-11-11

2011-05-10T23:51:00.002-06:00

It's the difference between feeling alone and knowing without a doubt that you are completely and inevitably alone.

It's the difference between dreaming it will happen and sitting and waiting for the news that it has happened.

It's the difference between sleeping with a frown and crying all night long.

It's the difference between feeling loved and feeling convenient.

It's the difference between liking your life and hating yourself.

I've got high aspirations.

2011-04-22T21:05:00.002-06:00

Today has been great for me. Sort of. The great parts have been GREAT, the not great parts weren't very fun, but we're not going to focus on that right now. What we're focusing on is how awesome I was.
I went grocery shopping and bought all kinds of delicious groceries; I cleaned my kitchen and made an amazing dinner (Spinach and artichoke dip w/ Sicilian meatloaves and fettuccine Alfredo); and I came to a lot of great realizations.
First I have GOT to tell you about me dinner, cause oh man, was it awesome. Aiden and John were both raving. I definitely think it was great, but there was also room for improvement (I'm going to serve it with a marinara next time to add a little zest to it). When Aiden was going on about what a stud I am, I told him about my mom and what a great cook she was. I told him about how she could go into any kitchen and throw something amazing together in just a few minutes. I didn't realize it until tonight, but I talk about her in the past tense now. She WAS a good cook, and she COULD go in any kitchen and make something great. It's almost as if she died, but then again, to me, she did.
I really have high hopes for my culinary future. I don't want to be a chef or anything, but I want to be that house everyone wants to go to for dinner. I really think I have the makings of a good cook (once I get down how much salt to put in my gravy, that messes me up EVERY time!) For once, I've found something I want to inherit from my mother. It's a pretty crazy feeling.
I've gone through many stages of hating my mom. I went from just plain hating her to being sad that she left me to feeling bad for her for her mental illness to hating her and then just being confused. I don't know that I will ever resolve my issues with my mom. I am certain that we will never have a relationship again, and that she will not be a part of my family again, but I do not know if the fact that I am motherless will ever stop hurting. I've hated her for so many things, from abandoning me to treating me like a cash cow to trying to sleep with my boyfriends, so it's hard for me to appreciate any of her qualities. It's hard for me to want any of those qualities from a person I hate so much.
I've had a lot of problems with the part of me that is my mother. I have tried to squash it, tried to deny it, tried to strangle it, tried to shut it away, you name it, I've tried it. I've fought the instincts that I have that I both inherited from her and was taught by her. I'm beginning to realize though, that trying to rid myself of her is just hurting me, and if accepting them is so much more productive.
I will always be my mother's daughter, despite how much we both hate that fact. I will never make it to work on time unless I leave 20 minutes early (I work less than 10 minutes away); I will always take at least an hour to get ready and I will never get my makeup just perfect; I will have horrible skin the older I get and there is nothing I can do about it; I will always have fatty knees and thighs, no matter how much I workout; I will ALWAYS think I am right and will always be willing to fight that fact. I have accepted those things and know them to be fact. There are some parts of you that will not change. I never tried to play up the good things I got from her though: I am a great cook, it just comes naturally; I am determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to; I can act like no one's business, crying my way out of a ticket will never be a problem for me; I can manipulate almost any situation into one that is beneficial to me.
I guess in the end, all that matters is that I am me. I am my mother, my father, my best friends, all of my ex-boyfriends, my husband, and every other person who has touched my life. I have an ability (another one I inherited from my mother) to adapt to any situation and to pull from other people qualities that I wish I had.
At this point, I know that I am very, very far from perfect. I know that I will never be perfect, there is far too much crazy in me [another one of my mother's qualities ;) ] but I think someday, I might just be tolerable. I just want to be good, maybe even a little great. A good wife, mother, friend, cook, neighbor, employee, citizen. I just want to be good. Is that so much to aspire?

Let her cry...

2011-04-13T21:15:00.000-06:00

Today is a lyric day... Not sure why, but this song is completing me...


She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind
She says dad’s the one I love the most
But stipe’s not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tell me where’s she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink
I say that I don’t care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to god
You gotta help me fly away

And just...
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe I’ll be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didn’t know just what I should
do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry
for
Myself.

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.


Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Won’t you hold my hand.

And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

She's CRAZY!

2011-03-23T10:20:00.002-06:00

And just when you think you've gotten to the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage!

I've been known to be pretty crazy. I've been known to make bad decisions. I've been known to be irrational and ridiculous. I've been known to be silly and stupid. I've been known to do things that are insane. I've been known to be a little bi-polar.
I've been known for a lot of things that most would consider not good, but all those bad things led me to the best thing, and isn't that great?
Sometimes I hate you because you're crazy, too, but then I realize if I was the only crazy one here, it would never work.

Same shit, different day.

2011-03-20T15:47:00.002-06:00

I don't know when it happened. Some day soon after it started I guess. I didn't really see it when it started. I know I will feel it by the time it ends though. I didn't really expect it, so I was never really looking for it. I guess it's my own fault.
All we do is fight. ALL the time. It never ends. He's out of town and we're still fighting. It's like I'm already jaded. I don't trust him. I don't trust anything he says. I feel like I've been let down by him so many time already, and he's kept his word so few times, I can't believe him about anything.
He wants to talk about what's wrong, but how can I talk? I don't know what will set him off. He swears he won't get mad, but I know better. I've heard that story before. Besides, even if I did want to talk, what would I say? I'm mad because we don't get along. I'm mad because you keep disappointing me and I can't tell you about it because if I do, you'll get mad because I'm not "respecting" you. I'm mad because you think my opinion isn't as valuable as yours. I'm mad because you act like I don't do anything. I'm mad because you ignore me all the time. I'm mad because you blow off whatever I tell you. I'm mad because you don't care enough about me to understand the things I need to feel valuable. I'm mad because I'm tired of being sad because being sad never got me anywhere; at least being mad gets me change of some sort. I'm mad because, to you, everyone else is more valuable to you than me. I'm mad because you always want to talk about Hobbs when we stop fighting even though you know how I feel about it.
That's a whole other can of fights though. Hobbs, Hobbs, Hobbs. The only good thing about Hobbs is Aiden, and at this point in our relationship, I know we cannot handle Aiden living with us. I know you want it, and you hate not having him, but I also know that if you mix the fights we already have with the fights we have when we have Aiden, it will not work. I know someday we will have to go through that door, but today is not that day.

They were like AA this, and I was like, Bye Bye that!

2011-03-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Eh.

2011-02-23T13:23:00.002-07:00

I have a job. It is neither a great job nor a terrible job. It is simply a job. I have been at this job for nearly six months. It is the longest job I have ever held with the exception of bar-tending. I am neither excited to come to work nor disappointed. Well, I kind of wish I could sleep on more, but realistically I know if I wanted to sleep in I would not get as many hours therefore not get as much money. Considering I work for money, sleeping in is not something I can afford. My indifference to my job has led me to believe how many people are in my boat. I assume is the the majority of people. I've never met anyone who was excited about their work. Everyone I know likes their job a little, but the dislike their job a little, too. I've read all these polls about people that are satisfied with their jobs, but I can't help but wonder if those polls consider people who are indifferent. Is that an option in the polls? If I lost my job tomorrow, I would be disappointed. Not because I lost this job, but because now I have to put the effort into finding another source of money.
I think that because of my indiffernce to my job, it makes me prone to getting FUCKING pissed at the people I work with. More often than not, I go home and rant to my husband about how much I hate so and so, or how that one girl should stop switching diet plans and every week and just strap herself to a treadmill and run until she's thin again. I think if I loved my job, I would have less to complain about. Maybe I would overlook the annoying things my co-workers do if I was really satisfied with what I was doing. But then again, maybe I wouldn't.

Ephebiphobia - The irrational fear of teenagers

2011-02-17T09:19:00.002-07:00

Are you ready for this? I don't think you are...
Due to my news feed being full of information about Miley Cyrus doing a bong hit, how disappointed Miley's dad is in her and his parenting, and Miley Cyrus in general, I'd like to dedicate today's rant to Miley Cyrus and all the people out there who are idiots. I get it, the argument about how horrible she is and how awful her behavior is, etc., but here is the reality: MILEY CYRUS IS A TEENAGER! BAM! That's why she takes panty shots and did a bong hit and has boyfriends and dresses sexy. She's a teenage girl and she's behaving totally normally, in my opinion. I'm a teenage girl, but you don't see everyone blowing up because of the amount of panty shots I've taken or how many bong hits I did or how embarrassing I behave. I understand that it's a big deal because she's a role model and small kids look up to her and she's setting a bad example, but seriously people. Give me a break. Why would you put a girl on that kind of pedestal?
With the amount of pressure she gets from the media and Disney and her parents, I'm surprised she isn't worse! Who cares if she fucks up a little here and there. She's a girl, a teenage girl. She's going to make mistakes just like all those little girls who look up to her are going to make mistakes. Why not lay off and let her make her mistakes and watch how she pulls herself up. Confucius said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." If Miley never failed, she wouldn't be a role model at all, she would be an angel. Everyone fails. Why persecute her for making mistakes that almost every other teen girl makes? Why not show your kids that everyone makes mistakes and you don't expect them to be perfect. Then show them how she overcame her mistakes to be great and explain to them that their mistakes don't make them, their achievements make them (unless they're a mass murderer, in that case, nothing can overcome those mistakes)
Despite the media's belief that she's the next Courtney Love, I like Miley Cyrus. I relate to Miley Cyrus. She's just like me. When I turned 18, I was all about some skanky dresses and low cut shirts. I smoked like a chimney and I wasn't afraid to do whatever the fuck I wanted and get tattoos everywhere and be EIGHTEEN.
Here's my last word on the subject:
Miley Cyrus is a girl. That's all. Don't persecute her, but don't put her on a pedastle. Look at her like she is a girl. Appreciate her art if you like it, ignore it if you don't. But for the love of god (Buddha, Allah, Ra, Prada, or whatever you worship), stop judging her.

I'm sorry

2011-02-16T15:51:00.003-07:00

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being pretty enough and not being ugly enough. I'm sorry for talking to much and not saying enough. I'm sorry for dressing down too often but dressing up too much. I'm sorry for wearing heels and I'm sorry for wearing flats. I'm sorry for not cleaning and I'm sorry for not hanging out with you. I'm sorry for arguing too much and I'm sorry for being too passive. I'm sorry for being stubborn and I'm sorry for not holding my ground. I'm sorry for saying what I mean and I'm sorry for meaning what I say. I'm sorry for lying to you and I'm sorry for telling you the truth. I'm sorry for being sorry and I'm sorry for not being sorry.

May the bridges I burn light the way.

2011-02-15T13:33:00.003-07:00

I have spent the last few years ruining relationships. Some of that was intentional; however most of it was purely accidental. I ruined the relationship with my mother by trying to do the right thing. I ruined the relationship with my grandparents by failing to see where their loyalties laid. I ruined the relationship with so many friends and would be friends by simply not caring about them the way I should have. I regret some of that. I'm sure you know by now that this is another post about my mother. It must seem like that's all I think about these days, but it's not. I'd just seem too mushy talking about how much I love my husband all the time.
I digress, we were talking about how I am a destructive person and have completely decimated the relationship between myself and almost all of my mother's family by one simple letter. I thought perhaps as time went one I would not feel as justified by this letter, but quite the opposite has occurred: I feel more justified now. The more time goes by and the more I see how she was using me, the more I feel like I did the right thing.
My stepfather is no saint. He can be a terrible person at times, but the same can be said for my mother. The only difference is that she's a woman without a conscious or any kind of empathy.
It's been nearly one year since the letter was sent and presented before the court and my mother's family blacklisted me. It's been nearly one year since I burnt all the bridges holding me to my past. It's been nearly a year since I progressed from a silly girl doing what she was told into a woman who does as she pleases and uses her own mind to determine right from wrong. It's been nearly a year since I made the decisions that changed my entire life. So far, it's going well.
I'd like to let the words of Mike Monteiro sum up the latest post about my mother:

2011-02-09T16:18:00.001-07:00

Bookroll:
Looking For Alaska by John Green

Dreams..

2011-02-08T21:47:00.003-07:00

Man, oh man, have I got a lot to share! There must be something in the air that is making me want to do so many things!
Let me share my first passion of the day:
Yep, you guessed it, photography. I have this teasing relationship with photography. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I think I can't do it and I set it aside until something stirs a desire to pick up the camera and create art (this time it was my failure to create graphic art, we'll get to that later). I really want to give it a go this time around. Initially, I wanted to do an internship with Sarah Barlow because I love her work, she's centered in Nashville (who wouldn't want to go to Nashville?!?!) and I know she offers internships. Good idea? Yep. The more I thought about it though, the more I thought that it was a terrible idea. Two thousand dollars in three months? Really? If you've ever met me, you'd know that saving two thousand dollars in two months is completely unreasonable. Paying my phone bill this month is difficult, saving that much in a few weeks is impossible. So I figured I could pre-plan: save up for a year, study up for a year, and most importantly get a camera back in my hands and start practicing before I blow two grand on an internship. After discussing with my husband (READ: begging him with a sad pouty face and crying about how my mother took all of my dreams away from me and all I wanted was to do this internship and I would be eternally grateful) we agreed that if I spent at least one hour a week and saved the money myself I could do the internship next year. SCORE! Then I had a better idea, why not try to intern a little closer to home. It wouldn't be as exciting as NASHVILLE (!!!!!) but it would be easier than leaving my man home alone to starve (aka play video games in his boxers and drink beer) a whole six days. I fell in love with this couple, Captivated Images when it was time to find a photographer for my wedding. I could not afford them (weddings start at $3500! My WHOLE wedding cost $3500!) but I still loved their work. Their style is beautiful and they are such nice people (I met them at an event my husband's client hosted). After researching, I discovered that they are having a workshop near my city! While the $800 price tag is hefty, this gives me hope that they are willing to teach. I'm going to start breaking out the DSLR every weekend and that makes me happy.

I'm afraid the rest of my passions will have to wait, I have a cranky man to appease. Time to go to bed! Night world.

Want List

2011-01-29T13:25:00.006-07:00

I never keep up with all the little things I want, and then at the end of the year when everyone expects a list of gifts, I have no ideas.
This year though, I'm making a want list! YAY!

AN ECOSPHERE! This little puppy is super cool. Not only is it fascinating, but it looks great on the coffee table, shelf, kitchen counter, everywhere really. Living art is beautiful. Plus, you can get it for 60 bucks at Target. Winner? I think so!

An iPod nano 6th generation. I'm getting into this fitness thing, and my current ipods are not cutting it. I hold my touch in my bra and it gets sweaty wet and fails to function. Skipping/ volume going berserk while you are trying to run is not good. On the other hand, my little 2 gen nano is an old man. I am afraid to update the playlists for fear that it will delete all my old music, so I'm stuck running with a playlist my 15 year old self thought was "totally rad". Also Not good. To solve this delima: A new NANO! YAY! A cute, beautiful, touch screen one that I can clip onto my shorts and run to my heart's content. Sounds too good to be true, yeah?

Post 14

2011-01-28T11:17:00.001-07:00

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without:

You're my best friend. The love of my life. The only person I want next to me. I could never imagine a world where you did not exist.

Post 13

2011-01-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

A picture of your favorite band or artist:

I have way too many favorites. But this one is definitely up there.

Post 12

2011-01-28T11:15:00.001-07:00

A picture of something you love:

KOBE THE SNAKE!!!!! Yay!

Post 11

2011-01-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

A picture of something you hate:

Onions make me shudder, cry, and gag. Enough reason for me to hate them.

Post 10

2011-01-28T11:12:00.001-07:00

A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with:

Duh! I get fucked up with my best friend! He's the only one I wanna go home with at the end of the night anyway, and I know he's the only one strong enough to pick me up when I fall. = )

Post 9

2011-01-28T11:11:00.003-07:00

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most:

My daddy. He's my rock. Every time I fall, he's been there to save me.

Post 8

2011-01-28T11:11:00.001-07:00

A picture that makes you laugh:

Every single time, baby!

Post 7

2011-01-28T11:09:00.001-07:00

A picture of your most treasured item:

That little silver diamond necklace means the world to me. It symbolizes me, him, and happiness. I know that as long as I have it, he loves me, and he knows as long as I have it, I'm happy with him still. That's enough for my world to be perfect.

Post 6

2011-01-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day:

Cause she's beautiful and smart and amazing. That's why.

Post 5

2011-01-28T11:06:00.003-07:00

A picture of your favorite memory:

I fell in love with you right then. I knew that the moment we were in would continue forever. And it has.

Post 4

2011-01-28T11:03:00.001-07:00

A picture of your favorite night:

I have way too many favorite nights, so here is my most recent favorite night:

Post 3

2011-01-28T11:02:00.001-07:00

A picture of the cast from your favorite show:

Friday Night Lights, baby!

Post 2

2011-01-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest:

My baby sister, Chelsey. I love you, Brownie. = )

Post 1

2011-01-28T10:54:00.002-07:00

A picture of yourself with 10 facts:

1) I have green eyes.
2) I was born abroad, which means I have no birth certificate. This has become a problem as far as getting my license.
3) That being said, I have no driver's license. I'm nearly 20, married with a seven year old (step)son, and cannot legally drive. Not that being illegal is going to stop me or anything.
4) I designed the salon I work at's entire graphic army (website, brochures, posters, fliers, newsletter, etc.) I am a little talented at design.
5) I am married, as previously noted, to an old man. He is the best.
6) I have not talked to my mother in over a year. We will return to this subject later.
7) I LOVE frosted sugar cookies from walmart. I could live on them. I would live on them if I wasn't concerned about my health (read: If I wasn't afraid of getting fat.)
8) I tend to judge fat people. I can't help it, it's a reaction. I try to overcome that judgment and get to know them, but usually my initial judgment is right.
9) I have four tattoos. I love them all, and they all mean something important to me.
10) I am a flawed person, but who isn't.

30 day challenge?

2011-01-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

30 days is way too much for me to commit to. I think 30 post challenge is much more reasonable. Ready? Cause it's gonna get intense! Not really, but I mean, it's kinda cool.

You're just not my type...

2011-01-20T15:07:00.002-07:00

It's crazy to me how everyone has their "type". Many people get on the defensive when informed of their "type" and declare that they don't have a "type" but are open to all people, but we all know it's true. Some people have a physical type, some have an emotional type, some have a personality preference. It's all in what you like, but either way, you definitely have a type.
I had a little bit of a giggle when seeing my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend. She's me, but not ME. Not kidding, from the slightly crooked teeth to the brown hair that tends to change shade with her mood to the lily tattoo and impressive back-piece. It made me think of the similarities in my boyfriends. They were all pretty similar: athletic, dark hair and light eyes with a pretty face, tall and thin, smart, funny, flirty, and a general attitude of "I have a penis therefore have the right to be a dick-head" and more dreams than Martin Luther King. I love those men! Love them. Cannot get enough of them. Every guy I've been infatuated with is that man. It makes me wonder if I doomed myself to being driven crazy by THAT man for the rest of my life. Realistically I know that THAT man will drive me crazy for the rest of my life. He's going to string me along with cute little kisses and sweet nothings, then toss me to the sea every now and then just to bring me back in with the same pretty face that drew me in the first time. It's a never-ending cycle. The crazy part is that I voluntarily CHOSE that cycle. I love the kind of man who strings me along and makes me passionate and doesn't make me channel that passion into something, which eventually turns happy passion into furious passion and makes me crazy and makes him crazy and pulls us apart, where the passion fizzles out until I see him being cute and flirty and adorable and fall right back in love. It's crazy, how crazy I am sometimes...

Do you have a "type"? Does yours make you as crazy as mine makes me?

You don't know me, and you don't even care...

2011-01-13T09:13:00.002-07:00

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

We're going on one year, in just a few days we will have hit that first milestone. It's not as hard anymore, not as tough as I thought it would be. I think though, in all the light that is my life, the only huge lurking shadow is the memory of you. The only part of me that cries is the part that remembers you the way you were when we were happy. The rest of my prays you get hit by a car, but that one little part that knows we were happy once upon a time wishes we were no where near this day.
Some days that little part overwhelms me and convinces the bigger parts that they, too, should be mourning. Some days...

Everything

2010-12-11T13:57:00.003-07:00

I love you. From the moment I saw you, I loved you. My whole life, all I can remember is loving you. No matter what you did, how mean you were or how much you ignored me or how hard you hit me, I still loved you. I loved you after you sent me away and said you didn't want me anymore. I loved you after you brought terrible people into my life who did cruel and unreasonable things to me. I loved you after YOU did cruel and unreasonable things to me. I loved you after everything.
How could I not love you though; you taught me everything. You taught me how to talk and walk and speak my mind. You taught me how to love and how to hate. You showed me how to manipulate people and how to find their weaknesses. You taught me how to be a good person and when to do the right thing. You taught me to take advantage of the rich and to give to the weak. You taught me everything I've ever known.
After everything we've been through and everything that has happened, I never expected you to be the first to leave me. I did everything you taught me my whole life; I manipulated people to get what I wanted thinking I was in the right because I was taking from the wealthy and I was weak and poor and I needed it more. I did it all to the book, I was the perfect little girl. I think you never expected me to ever use the part of my mind that you did not preen. I started thinking of what was really right, and if this was really right or if I was just being the bad guy.
Then one day I finally did something I felt was right and spoke my mind and now you hate me. You hate me for doing what I was taught by you, my mother. You were supposed to love me unconditionally and care for me no matter what. I guess I overestimated you because at the first sight of me not allowing you to take advantage of someone you viewed as rich and I viewed as weak, you dropped me like last year's handbag.
I know that nothing will ever repair this relationship, but I want you to know that I loved you always. From day one, you have been my light and my love. You taught me everything I know, but now I am grown and I'm learning lessons of my own. One lesson you failed to mention, but I feel is very important is "If you fail to forgive, you will fail to be happy. "
I hope you know I forgive you, for everything. And I still love you. I always have and I always will.

Anything for you.

2010-10-21T21:56:00.003-06:00

It feels like walking in water. Everything is hard and confusing and tiresome. It hurts to be yourself, but it's so much easier to be someone else. To be a receptionist or a waitress. There is a purpose and a goal and a list of things to do. But being yourself takes work, it takes facing the problems and swallowing them whole without a glass of lemonade. It's so hard to think of all the things someone could take from you if you're being yourself. Your love, your reputation, your sanity, your pride. It's hard to take from someone who has no value though. Someone who hates the person in the mirror. Once you've gone there, there is nothing left. Just a hollow girl offering fake smiles. Just a, "Hello, how are you? Isn't the weather beautiful? Why yes, I'm fantastic. Of course honey. Anything for you."

I just don't understand..

2010-10-11T10:26:00.003-06:00

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. -Robert A. Heinlein

I'm not a parent. I never have been one, but I intend on becoming one eventually. I never expected to want to parent someone at 19, but it is what it is.
You are a parent though, to a very smart little boy. He has SO much potential, but I feel like you just aren't helping him achieve it. You don't push him, don't set very high expectations, don't squash bad behavior, you aren't my vision of a good parent.
As a parent, I feel like you should be doing so much more. I understand that it's hard to be a single parent, but I feel like you're being selfish. At his age, he should be doing so much more. He should be so much more. He just isn't. He walks on you, and you allow him. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it's probably because you want him to love you. You don't see that he will ALWAYS love you. My mother abandoned me, beat me, tormented me, used me, walked on me, and told me how worthless I was, but I STILL love her. Love for your mother is one of those things you can't just forget. Betty Davis said "If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent." I think her words are completely true. If you punish your child, hold them accountable for their actions, they will hate you for it. Everyone wants to get away with whatever they can, and if you call someone out, they get offended. Kids are people. That's it, just PEOPLE. Small ones that are adorable and loveable, but still PEOPLE. You have to treat them like people. If your best friend talked to you the way he did, I bet you'd call them out. You should! No one should treat another person like that, especially not a person they should respect.
One of the things that I don't understand at all is your acceptance of mediocrity. As a parent, shouldn't you want MORE for your kids? Shouldn't you want him to be successful in the ways you weren't? Shouldn't you want life to be easier for him, instead of easier for him? Sure, it's hard getting a kid to practice EVERYDAY, let alone on time, but isn't it worth it? Sports teach kids SO many things, things that he is completely lacking. Teamwork, sportsmanship, the ability to lose gracefully, respect for authority, etc.
Maybe because I've had such a terrible parent I see more of the flaws others make that mine have made. Or perhaps because I've never been a parent I simply cannot grasp your intentions. Whatever it is, I intend on doing things differently than you, with him and with mine.

Hey, you're a crazy bitch.

2010-10-06T12:25:00.002-06:00

Just because I feel your reply was so incredibly ridiculous it needs some sort of response, but I feel you are so worthless I shouldn't waste my breath on you, I'm going to just post it here, where the world can know my opinion of you.

Your claim that you don't/never owed me an apology is proof of your vanity. You see yourself as this perfect parent who never did anything wrong, however, correct me if I'm wrong, weren't you the one who hit ME before Michael ever even laid a finger on you? Wouldn't that make you as much of a monster as he is? Wasn't it you who sent me away to Reno on claims that I was a suicidal drug addict even though I had been clean for over a year and my only hope was to go to college in a few months? Wasn't it you who NEVER answered my phone calls when I called you twice a day EVERY DAY for the three months I was in Reno? Wasn't it you who refused to forward money from my bank account to my college so I could make the cut off date for admissions? Wasn't it you who refused to allow an anonymous donor to pay that fee? Weren't you the one who destroyed all of my prized possessions? You took everything I hoped for away from me, I think that deserves an apology.
You are right though, I called you names and insulted you, however I feel they were not inappropriate. You ARE a heartless bitch. You ARE a parasite who feeds off of other people's success. You ARE a terrible person. Now, if I had called you a gracious and loving person and praised you on your self-sacrificing ways, then I would have been lying. I also do not believe anything I called you was class-less. If I didn't care about having you class, I would have told you that you're essentially a prostitute, that you give yourself to men for a chance at taking their money after a few years in marriage. If I wanted to be completely honest and disrespectful, I would have told you that you're a trashy slut for sleeping with a married man when you KNEW he was married. I have a little class though, so I simply told you that you are a parasite. I didn't call you a whore, a name that is completely fitting, because I have CLASS.
I thin you have the events that caused the end of our relationship a little confused too. See, what really happened was you turned into a selfish bitch when the hearing was over and decided you didn't need to support me anymore. Then I decided if you were going to be a selfish bitch, I was going to inform you of my opinion.
As for my letter for Michael, there was not an ounce of lies in it. The entire account was pure, unadulterated truth, something I would not expect you to recognize. I called you out for your flaws, nothing more.
Don't exaggerate and say that Michael nearly killed you. He didn't come close to killing you. As a matter of fact, I'm completely certain that if you weren't a drug addict, you wouldn't have had so much as a bruise after your fight. You're killing your body by taking too many drugs. That's what nearly killed you.
I would rather be like Michael's family than yours. At least they can admit their mistakes and apologize when they see a wrong. So much cannot be said for our family.
I think it's funny that you anticipate seeing my mug shot. I will enjoy disappointing you with my success stories. Since you have left my life, everything has improved significantly. I've got several job offers, I'm going back to college, I'm married to a wonderful man, and have the most supportive family ever. I'd actually like to thank you for being such a worthless person and showing me how amazing my life can be without you in it.
As for your grand finale, don't accuse me of being what you are. Someone who spends their life suing other people for money that was never theirs and manipulating their way into rich men's beds has no right to call me a bottom feeder.
I, also, hope you get everything you deserve in life. By that, I mean I hope all your hair falls out and your teeth rot from the drugs you pump yourself full of every day (Your skin has already taken the fall, good luck with that), I hope your boyfriend sees the light before he puts a ring on your finger, and I hope you die a horrible, miserable, and painful death completely alone.

Aloha

2010-10-01T14:28:00.001-06:00

This is the last time I will try to contact you, mostly because I am tired of waiting to hear from you.
I do not need a mother, and you've made it clear you are not a mother, so I'd like to be sure we both understand that I am not looking for a mother/daughter relationship. At this point, I am simply offering you a truce, from one human being to another.
There are many events in the future that I assume is natural for you to want to be a part of, and while a role in my life is at this point out of the question, I am willing to allow you to be a part of my family. John and I fully intend on having kids in the future, and I believe that you would like to know them. While I cannot allow you to be known as their grandmother, you could be known to them as a family acquaintance. This may not be what you imagined, but I think it is preferable to not knowing your grandchildren at all.
If you decide to decline my offer, I am sure that our mutual acquaintances would be more than willing to show you pictures.
I am no longer offering apologies because I am no longer accepting them. What is done is done, and cannot be undone and I will not pretend that any number of apologies could ever mend the hurt between us. I have forgiven you for what has happened, and I should hope that you have done the same.
Michael and I have come to a truce, which most of the world imagined was impossible, so I find it ridiculous that you and I cannot also find middle ground.
Because, as previously mentioned, I am tired of waiting to hear from you, my offer will not stand forever. Please take advantage of this before it is too late.
Let this be my official "Aloha". It's up to you whether this is a "goodbye Aloha" or a "Hello Aloha"

Bitch-Face

2010-09-29T14:17:00.001-06:00

Dear Lady at Social Security:
Do not talk to me like I'm a child. Do no act like I am some invalid who does not understand what you are saying. Do not treat me like a little kid who doesn't know what she is talking about. If I wanted someone to treat me like a small child, I would call my husband and cry to him. But I didn't. I called you. Why? Because I want someone to fucking do something about this. You fucked up. Not me. Asshole.

The worst thing a man can do is fall in love with a beautiful woman.

2010-09-10T23:33:00.003-06:00

I've spent some time thinking back on all the boys who loved me. I said "loved me" but in reality, I wouldn't call any of it love, I would call it infatuation. I spent my life playing off the fact that I am beautiful and charming. I know I am. I can willingly admit that. I've searched for some male perspective on this, but I didn't find anything that satisfied me. I think though, that it must be a terrible feeling, see a woman and to be drawn in by her face, to feel her warmth, to hear her seduce you with her words and promises, to be toyed with relentlessly, and then to be tossed away.
I wonder if many men know what's being done to them when it's happening. I'm sure that I'm not the only beautiful girl in the world who does that. I'm sure all the beautiful girls in the world know their abilities. I know how to make a man curious by staring at him shamelessly for a moment and then demurely glance away and "slyly" checking back when I know he'll be looking. I know how to intoxicate him with the flip of my slightly perfumed hair. I have become an expert at flirting and attracting men. I know how to whisper in his ear promises of forever and make him feel secure. I know how to appear shy while being forward. I have skills that aren't even considered a skill, but if you knew the effects of them, they would be considered a very prized set of skills.
I don't use them anymore. Not for any terrible purpose. When I think of all the poor boys I practiced on, I can't help but feel some remorse. I tormented some of them. I would bait them, hook them, and reel them in just to throw them back out and start the process over again in a few months. Every now and then I wonder about them, I'm sure they were not damaged by it, but I wonder if they knew. I wonder if they had known, if they would have stopped me. I'm certain that it was a pleasant thing though, falling in love with me, so maybe it was worth it. I don't know, I never really will.
At this point, all I have to go off of is two men. Two men who did what I considered unthinkable: they pushed me away despite my charm and cute looks and overwhelming sexuality. One of them was devastating for me. I didn't understand it, I couldn't comprehend how someone could NOT want to fall in love with me. How he could fight it so much and try so hard to have me but at the same time to not have me. He knew. He knew what I was doing and what the consequences would be and he fought them. He made me learn that I was not invincible. I could be defeated if I was only willing to fight one battle, which I did. I only fought one battle and when he fended me off, I was in shock and admitted my defeat and hung my head.
The second man was even more devastating, yet he taught me a totally different lesson: that I don't have to be the person I pretended to be. He went for it, he took the bait and was properly hooked and seemed to enjoy it, but he knew it was a facade. He knew it was all just a big game. It took losing him when he was done playing to realize that I didn't want to play a game. I wanted him to really see me. I wanted him to see me when I was ugly when I woke up in the morning. I wanted him to see that I could be smart and funny, not just charming. I wanted him to see that I was not just out for a conquest, I wanted to discover him. I wanted him to fall in love with me the way I was falling in love with him. I took the lesson that the only other man who turned me down taught me and applied it: fight.
We all know the end to this story. I fought him over his decision. I fought and lost and fought and lost and fought and lost until I finally won. I won and I took down my pretty face for a little while. It was the best thing I could have ever done.

You say "skank", but I prefer "morally challenged"

2010-09-02T09:51:00.002-06:00

I enjoy taking naked pictures. Most people would consider naked pictures sexual and provocative, mostly because they are, but I don't really go for that. I mean, obviously they're going to be a little bit because of the nature of the photo, but I don't generally aim for sexy, or at least start out aiming for sexy. I start out aiming for beautiful. What could possibly be more beautiful than the body? I take my pictures to prove it, "See, I can be beautiful. I can be sexy. I don't have to wear three pounds of makeup and hairspray and a miniskirt and V cut shirt to be beautiful." It's almost become a contest between my confident self and my "ugly" self. Over the years, I've been told a variety of things about myself. That has warped my body image into a very scary thing. I can parade around in a skirt three inches long and tell the world how hot I am, but still want to turn the lights off. It's almost funny, if it weren't me I would probably laugh about it. It is me though, so I continue to prove to "ugly" me that I'm really not that ugly. I'm kindof pretty sometimes, "ugly" me, see! Look, I can be hot. I can look like the people Maxim fans swoon over. I can do that, I can be that..

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

2010-08-31T09:33:00.002-06:00

What we have to do, what at any rate it is our duty to do, is to revive the old art of lying.
-Oscar Wilde

I tend to lie... A lot. I can't really help it, honestly. It just comes out, and by the time I say it, it's already out there and I just accept it. It's become a sort of wedge in my relationship with a man who despises being lied to, so I've been doing some research. I believe I may be a compulsive liar (or pathological liar). Like most of my other dysfunctional traits, I believe this may have developed from my mother's own tendencies. I don't think she is your run of the mill compulsive liar though, I think she has more sociopath tendencies.
This is the profile of a sociopath:

Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle (An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.)
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

If you know my mother, this is her. But this isn't about my mother, EVERYTHING is about my mother. This is about me. Here are the signs of a compulsive liar:
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship.

I think that's more me. I certainly share a lot of traits with it. I've also noticed some things about my lying that are...different... I don't follow normal signs of lying. Here are some guidelines of how to tell if someone is lying:

1. How is the person speaking?
Although a change in voice can be the tip-off to a lie, experts say that to be sure, you should also pay attention to a person's speech rate and breathing pattern -- if either speeds up or slows down, chances are you're not hearing the whole truth.

2. What is the person saying?
Liars tend to avoid exclusionary words like "but," "nor," "except," and "whereas," because they have trouble with complex thought processes. Liars are less likely to use the words "I," "me," and "mine." In their attempts to distance themselves psychologically from their tall tales, liars will tend to communicate using fewer personal pronouns.

3. Is his face giving it away?
You may think disguising your true feelings is easily accomplished with the help of a smile, but the expressions that flash across your face will give away what you're really thinking -- whether you know it or not. Experts advise paying close attention to the micro-expressions that a face can't hide. These clues are often so difficult to detect that even trained experts have trouble discerning them.

4. How is the person smiling?
A smile can sometimes mask a person's true feelings. Pay close attention to how a person smiles as well as other facial movements. You may be able to detect the emotions he or she is trying to hide -- such as fear, anger, and disgust. A true smile will incorporate both a person's lips and eyes.

5. Does the body language follow the story?
It's more important to examine a person's entire demeanor, as there's no one feature that's apt to give away a liar. Honesty is characterized by features that are in sync with one another -- so besides posture, note the fit between face, body, voice, and speech.

6. Is your subject behaving uncharacteristically?
Experts believe changes in a person's baseline -- how she generally conducts herself -- are worthy of your attention. You should weigh rate of speech, tone of voice, posture, and hand gestures against what you know, along with the context of the situation.

7. Is the question simple or embarrassing?
It's normal for someone to look away when asked a difficult question. But when someone avoids your gaze when asked a simple question, you should be suspicious.

I don't do those things.

I think the most beautiful thing about humans is our ability to adapt, change, and reinvent ourselves. I've been making a definite change in my habits as far as lying goes, at the minimum I'm noticing when I do it and am admitting it. Baby steps, right?

COOL STUFF NOTICE!
I stumbled on this blog while researching, and it's REALLY interesting. Check it.
Raising a Psycopath

Inspiration

2010-08-30T10:09:00.004-06:00

My father recently biked 100 miles.... in one day. I don't know about you, but I could not bike 100 miles in a day, no way in hell. That being said, I'm very impressed with his accomplishment. After considering my own accomplishments, I've come to the realization that I haven't accomplished much at all. I am a very athletic person...... Okay, that was a lie, but I'm built to be an athletic person. I have thick muscular legs and strong arms and I'm long and lean and I have a very athletic build. My laziness and lack of inspiration has kept me from ever trying to be athletic and accomplishing anything. Sure, I've run my five minute mile, but that's nothing compared to a 100 mile bike ride! I've decided to set a goal that will push me: I want to do a triathlon. (Do a triathlon? Accomplish a triathlon? Run/bike/swim a triathlon? Whatever.... No one likes you anymore, proper English..)
I'm not going to lie to you, another HUGE reason why I want to get in shape is because of these..
Vibram's Five Finger's are amazing. I have yet to try them on (John is not a believer) But trust me, I will as soon as humanly possible, and when I try them on, I will buy them. I definitely believe that the bare foot is strong and exercising barefoot can only make my feet stronger. I'm excited to try them all on. I'm sure it will be a strange sensation initially, but I'm positive that I'll love these shoes. Plus, training "barefoot" will only help me when I race my triathlon. If I'm gonna be my best, I've got to train in the best, right?

Rediscovery...

2010-08-19T14:04:00.002-06:00

When she walked by it was slow motion,
Like she wanted me to notice
That the red dress she was wearing was for me,
Time stopped like the movies, all the people in the city,
They were stuck in freeze frame just so I could see,
I was a skeptic and neurotic,
And every word I thought of never really ever came out right,

We could do anything you want, even dance under the stars,
I'll be Romeo and you'll be Juliet
Honey we can burn this city down, play in the ashes on the ground
I don't care cause I'm falling for you

She knows how to make an entrance look alive and so electric,
Like a model she's perfection above the rest,
And the colors that she wore contoured, with every piece of her décor
I'd gladly drink the poison for a kiss
I was a skeptic and neurotic, and every word
I thought of never really ever came out right,

We could do anything you want, even dance under the stars,
I'll be Romeo and you'll be Juliet
Honey we can burn this city down, play in the ashes on the ground
I don't care cause I'm falling for you

And this may be the last time that I see you again,
So for the sake of being foolish
Hello I'll be the boy to hold the door so you can exit,
And I'll think about you while I'm on the road

We could do anything you want, even dance under the stars,
I'll be Romeo and you'll be Juliet
Honey we can burn this city down, play in the ashes on the ground
I don't care cause I'm falling for you

I am beginning the process of rediscovering myself. It is beginning with my music, my love to dance, my need to stand out.
I felt like this song that I just discovered via Pandora totally describes that.
Not only does it describe me, it describes my love for a certain someone I'm sure you don't want to hear more about. haha.
Back to me. = )

I want to rediscover the girl who was fantastic and confident, who was slightly neurotic, but in a loveable way. I want to go back to the gym and start eating healthier. I want to start cooking again. I want to get back into photography and do something amazing with it. I want to be ME again, not this crazy bridezilla who is completely crazy and yells at everyone for anything. I'm ready to live a real life again, and it starts with a real plan. The plan part is for me, but I'm sure it will work.

Escape Artists.....

2010-08-19T12:54:00.000-06:00

John and I have been watching Prison Break religiously. We've already gone through 1.5 seasons and we just barely started watching. All that talk about corrupt governments and people running from the law has made John believe that we need an "Escape Plan". You know, just in case we get framed for killing the vice president's brother or something. He has been researching many possible countries for us to move to, including Mexico and Australia. I think it's cute. This post is just about how freaking cute I think John is. = ) The first time I've seen him on the computer for more than five minutes he is researching where we will escape to when the Mafia comes for us. haha.

Yahooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

2010-08-19T12:52:00.001-06:00

I read Yahoo news. Every day, pretty much do or die. I love it. It makes me feel connected to the world. I really just love learning, and evolving, and thinking. The news makes me do all of that.
That being said, I have been thinking over my career choices. I don't think I can ever be a teacher. I don't think that would be fulfilling enough for me.. Now I am on a search for a new career, and accepting suggestions. Thanks.

OH EMMM GEEEEEEEE!

2010-08-19T12:46:00.003-06:00

"Oh my gosh, can you believe savannah got married this weekend and DIDN'T INVITE ME????! What a b-i-t-c-h."

To all of you who are astounded by the fact that I did not invite you to my wedding, I have two options for the reasons why:
1) I legitimately care about you and simply forgot. I am sorry, however if we don't talk for an extended period of time, that pretty much means that I won't invite you. Sorry. I still think you're awesome, I just didn't think that it would be worth your time to come to Lubbock to see someone you don't really talk to anymore get married.
2) (This is much more common) I don't fucking like you. I never liked you. I didn't like you in high school when you screamed fake I love you's across hallways, I didn't like you when I was watching you make stupid decisions and talk shit about all of your friends behind their backs. I never liked you. I hung out with you because A) I was desperate, or B) I felt bad for you. That's it. Just those two reasons. Not because I like you. Not because I think you are a good friend. Not because you're a cool person. You're none of those. You are a bitch. Not a "b-i-t-c-h. A FUCKING BITCH. Kiss my ass, and have fun crying to all the friends that hate you about how you didn't get invited to a girl who hates you's wedding. Trust me, they won't be making fun of you...to your face.

I'm MARRIED!

2010-08-17T13:04:00.001-06:00

I'm married! I'm married! I'm married! We did it. It's all over! Phew! I hate weddings. Can I say that again, I hate weddings. Ours was beautiful, in my opinion, but it was still a lot of work. I'm just excited that we got it all done and it went as smoothly as possible. Now to continue with real life...

I hate you.

2010-08-10T20:54:00.001-06:00

I hate you. That's all I have to say to you. Four days away from my wedding, when I should be excited and happy and pumped, all I can think is I hate you.

Letters..

2010-08-07T01:31:00.002-06:00

I write all these letters, letters to my lover, letters to my marriage counselor, letters to me. I write these letters that remain unpublished, unread, unknown. I write letters because I think that will make it better, maybe that will help it go away; but it doesn't. It's here and it burns. It begs and it pleads and it cries for me. It screams and breaks my heart and makes me want to give it what it needs, but I know that I can't, because as much as it breaks my heart to deny it, it will break their hearts to give in. So instead I write letters, unknown letters that no one will ever read, to try and stifle the pain. This pain doesn't go away though, it just burns stronger. It yells at me to be stronger, be tougher, don't let anyone get through. It threatens to torture me if I let just one tear drop. It tingles on my flesh picking the right spot. It hurts, and I want it so bad, I want to give in. I WANT to be stronger, be tougher, to not let anyone through. I want to torture myself if I let just one tear drop. I want to be there, chosing a spot.

On a different note:

2010-08-06T14:44:00.002-06:00

I once dated a guy whose middle name was Edward, and boy did I fuck him (over, fuck him over, like I cut up his shirts and made a pillow out of them)

John also bought me a teddy bear when we first got together and named him Edward. We obviously hadn't been dating long then...

Fuck you Edward.

2010-08-06T14:33:00.003-06:00

People Suck.
That's it, end of story. They just do. Ninety percent of my age group consists of people that are yucky. That's right, yucky.
Why are they yucky, you ask? Because they either
A) Wear Twilight shirts
B) Read some book about some vampire's "secret untold life"
C) Think that if they act like freak Robert Pattinson, oh sorry, EDWARD, will come save them from what the rest of us call THE REAL WORLD
or
D) Think that they really are a vampire.

I read the books, okay. Yeah, they were alright. I felt it was a little much on the whole obsession factor, any girl who is that obsessed about a guy should see a therapist as far as I'm concerned; it was also way too gushy and "OH! Edward, I love you even if you could snap my neck with your finger", plus Stephanie Meyers turned one of the most bad ass fantasy creatures ever into a sparkly little toy. Other than that, the books were okay... Since when do OKAY books turn into such a huge thing? It's ridiculous. No man can compare to your imaginary Edward, I'm sorry adolescent girls, there's no hope. No normal man will be willing to stalk you and be a freak and sparkle in the sun and move so fast you can't see him and still manage to have perfect hair and a bad ass car. It's not going to happen. Get over it.
I am totally aware that my frustration with Twilight and Twilight fans will not make them stop being annoying, but for the love of christ, please just make your own country in Translevania and move there where you can annoy each other instead of annoying me. I'd like to go online and check my facebook without hearing about your Edward obsession. Thanks.

PS, before you confess your undying love to Robert, I think you should check him out in his harry potter days. Dude looks like the biggest nerd ever. Second guessing that whole, I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE SO SEXY! thing yet? EH?

Memoir of a Mother and Daughter..

2010-08-06T10:11:00.002-06:00

If I were to write a memoir today, recollecting my life thus far, I wonder what it would sound like. I feel like it would probably be some sort of twisted story of me and my mother. My life would be summed up into a story of malice and envy and love and sorrow and revenge. My life would be a tornado of I hate you and I love you, like a volcano in Antarctica, a mix of such fiery heat and frozen ice. In my story, fire could not take down ice, nothing would melt, nothing would give. My story would be a constant battle of who is better, who has more, who is MORE. My story would sound like a politician's recollection of how he campaigned during an election, how his opponent tried to take him down at every turn, how he tried to slaughter his opponent's credentials, how the entire world either took sides or became invisible, how in the face of the public both parties were sweeter than candy to each other. My story would not be a happy tale of ice cream in the park, it would be a story describing my mother and I's battle to eat our ice cream prettier, with more style, faster and more efficiently than the other. My story would describe the destructive dependency my mother and I had on each other, and how in the end, our stubborn hatred pushed us apart like two negative magnets. My story would not be one anyone would buy.

Reasons why today sucks...

2010-08-06T09:55:00.002-06:00

1) I accidentally sunburnt my ass and crotch yesterday while tanning... For some reason the burn is making my scars more prominent and it feels like they're fresh all over again.

2) Despite the fact that I am burning my body to rid myself of tanlines, I still have a white bikini line... And the tanning bed doesn't reach my whole body, just the top and bottom, so I have white obliques.

3) I just made myself a PJ&J for breakfast and poured out a huge glass of milk to wash it down with. When my sandwich was almost done, I took a huge gulp of the milk, we're talking HUGE, like half the glass. It wasn't until after I swallowed that I tasted the milk... it was sour... REALLY sour....

4) The lady that lives in our house STILL hasn't paid us... That translates to "We're fucking broke."

5) Pandora isn't playing any good music.

Pretty sure that sums it up. I think I'm going to just stay in my bed for the rest of the day.

I hope you fall into a neverending hole! -with love, Me

2010-07-28T14:29:00.004-06:00

Perhaps it's my competitive nature that makes me feel this way... Or maybe it's the little jab I get when flashing through this pictures when I realize I wasn't even invited... Or maybe it's the little green monster inside coming out because you got SO much help from our family while I got none... Maybe... Either way, I still have this burning desire to prove to you, to all of you, that mine will be the BEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL wedding you will never see. You won't see the $200 bouquets, nor will you see the most adorable cupcakes in the world. You won't see my pretty little church or the gorgeous winery. You won't see me, all made up with professionally styled hair and John... well, John's always gorgeous. You won't see any of it. You'll just see the invitations that aren't addressed to you and the pictures that are not taken by an amateur. I hope when you see it, you think to yourself, "Damn, that girl never needed anything from us anyway." Cause she doesn't. She doesn't need your approval or your money, she doesn't need your advice or your never ending criticism, she doesn't need anything from you. When you look back at me and see how beautiful my life is, how many people love me, how we made it even though you never thought for a second we could, I hope it makes your stomach do that thing where it flips over and makes you feel like you've fallen into the deepest, darkest, most disgusting hole ever, because it's the only place I'd wish upon you.

When I was a child, I could make you blush.

2010-07-26T16:18:00.003-06:00

Cute kid stuff I found. Some of it's almost naughty.

In the land of mars
Where the woman smoke cigars
While the men wear bikinis
And the children drink martinis
Every breath you take
Is enough to kill a snake
And when the snake is dead
You put roses on his head
When the roses die
You put diamonds in his eyes
When the diamends crack
You put mustard on its back
And when the mustard dries
They call the king of Spain
And the king of Spain says FREEZE!

Oh the girls in France
Wear their whiskers in their pants
And the things they do
Would kill a Russian Jew
And the cloths they wear
Would freeze a polar bear.
Do what you mama says
And do what your papa says
But don't split your pants
Doing the Hootchy Kootchy Dance

Miss Suzie had a steamboat, her steamboat had a bell, Miss Suzie went to heaven, her steamboat went to... HELLLLLLLLLO operator please give me number nine, And if you disconnect me I'll kick your big... Behind the refrigerator there lay a piece of glass Miss Suzie sat upon it and cut her big fat... Assssssssssssk me no more questions, I'll tell you now more lies, The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their... Flies are in the meadow, the bees are in the park, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the... dark. Darker than the ocean, darker than the sea, Darker than the naked boy, Chasing after me!

Three, six, nine... The goose drank wine. The monkey chewed tobacco on a street car line. The line broke, the monkey choked, and they all went to heaven in a little row boat.

I pledge allegiance to the flag; Michael Jackson is a fag.
Pepsi Cola burnt him up- now he's drinking 7UP!
7UP has no caffeine; Now he's singing Billie Jean.
Billie Jean was not his lover and his nose is made of rubber!
Rubberface, but don't repeat it- now his dance steps are to Beat It.
Beat It now & don't you tell her this fine tale about the Thriller.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun,
Stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.

See that girl up on the hill?
She won’t do it, but her sister will.

See that girl all dressed in black?
She makes her livin’ layin’ on her back.

See that girl all dressed in pink?
She done made my finger stink.

She that girl all dressed in yella?
I hate to tell ya’, but she’s really a fella.

There's a place I know if you're looking for a show..

2010-07-26T16:09:00.002-06:00

I want to DANCE. I don't know why. It's like this little person inside me woke up when it got soaked with foam and now all it wants is to be naughty. It wants to drink and dance and scream and laugh and be amazing. It's craving it, and it's all I can do to tell it, "No, no, little one, not here." But I'm always telling it "Not here." I want to be THERE, where I feel alive. It's the craziest turn on, dancing. I think I may have fallen in love with clubbing. Even if I'm being good, it FEELS bad, and the bad feels great.

Letters to my lover...

2010-07-17T17:11:00.001-06:00

I will never leave you. No matter how much it hurts sometimes, how much it kills me, I will NEVER leave you. I will always stand by you and protect you. I will always be there to back you up and hold your hand. I will always love you. I will always be there for you to talk to. I will always be there if you want someone to fight with and make up with. I will always be here, strong and steady, a rock in your life of quicksand.

Maybe that's what happens when a volcano meets a tornado...

2010-07-17T17:06:00.002-06:00

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High off a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

If I could...

2010-07-14T16:20:00.003-06:00

If I could control it, you would never hurt, you would never feel unloved or unwanted. If I could control it, you would not have stress or heartache, you could be wherever you wanted and have whatever you wanted. If I could control it, your life would be imperfect, simply because of my desire to make it perfect. If I could control it, I would accidentally ruin you.
I can't control it though, and I think I might be okay with that. I can still make you smile and relieve some of your stress. I can take you home as often as possible. I can give you all the things I have, which may not be much, but it's all I have. I can do what I can, to make you a better man.

Lessons my mother taught me.

2010-07-14T16:14:00.002-06:00

My mama taught me one very important, very destructive, very useful lesson in life.
FLIRT.
You flirt with EVERYONE, with your boyfriend, your best friend, your boss, your friend, your friend's friend, the guy at Starbucks, the waitress at your favorite restaurant. EVERYONE.
You flirt because the key to the world is in a cute smile, the bat of long eyelashes, and a well executed hair flip.
Everything you want and everything you need can be given to you by people, and to get to people, you give them what they want most: to be wanted and liked.
My mother taught me that I could get anything I wanted and go anywhere I needed by making people like me. My job in life is to be adorable and charming and make the world feel loved.
It's so hard to forget the lessons my mother taught me and still be the person I want to be, because the person I want to be gets what she wants, she is liked and adored, she flirts.

To my lover.

2010-07-06T09:32:00.002-06:00

I feel like maybe I haven't been giving you enough credit recently. Okay, I definitely haven't been giving you enough credit. But today, I intend on making more of an effort to appreciate everything wonderful that you do. You are such an amazing person, it's silly to get caught up in the things you do that I don't like. Because I may not like your drinking, but I LOVE the way you hold my hand and the way you kiss my neck. I don't think I'd be sane if it wasn't for you telling me everyday how much you love me and how you're keeping me forever. I know that without you next to me, kissing me goodnight, no night would be a good night.

Use me..

2010-06-25T05:21:00.001-06:00

Use me for your pleasure, to get your ego off. You use me as your fall back, your "yes" girl. I rarely fight, just try to agree. Try to smooth it out, try to make it right. I say I don't break my promises, I don't let people down, but it just seems like you're using it. You're using my "yes" girl nature against me. You're making me let you get your way by guilting me into it, but telling me I'm the wrong one, I'm the bad guy. You use me to comfort you and take care of you when you fall, to be there for you when you crash. You're just using me, constantly using me. The worst part is, I let it happen. I let you walk on me and crush me. I let you tell me how wrong I am and what a bad girlfriend I am for not backing you up. I let you convince me that I caused this, it is my fault. I let you do these things to me. It's all my fault. I keep letting you use me.

Through Glass.

2010-05-29T11:38:00.001-06:00

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

Little Perfect Princess.

2010-05-29T11:25:00.002-06:00

Little "Perfect" Princess,
high upon your throne.
How does the world look,
now that you are grown?
Is the world still so satisfying,
now that you are all alone?
They would never accept your behavior,
you should have known.
The people you've hurt and things you've done,
they would never be able to condone.
Were you shocked the day you found out
that it was YOU, the little perfect Princess, they would disown?
And now, Little Imperfect Princess,
You sit and wait for them to forgive you for the sins you will never own.

Letters from lost loves...

2010-05-29T11:18:00.002-06:00

They're just letters,
letters from loves long lost,
they're just letters,
but they mean so much more to me.

They're just letters,
letters from a time when we were so young,
they're just letters,
but they show me who I was.

They're just letters,
letters from moments we thought would never end,
they're just letters,
but they teach me that time never stops.

They're just letters,
letters of love and loss and hope and heartbreak,
they're just letters,
but they remind me of how much more love and loss and hope and heartbreak I have to look forward to.

From me, To you.

2010-05-29T11:09:00.000-06:00

Hello.
My name is Savannah Smith, I am Andrea Johnson’s daughter and Michael Johnson’s stepdaughter. I lived with them for the duration of their marriage, which is as far back as I can remember. I wouldn’t be writing this letter to you under normal circumstances, I’ve always felt like my parent’s drama was their drama, not mine, and I wanted nothing to do with it; however, under the current circumstances I feel like something should be done. I’m not sure if what I say will mean anything to you, but I truly hope that you will listen to me and take what I say to heart; not everything that you’ve heard is true.
I’ve heard a little about the divorce, mostly from my sister and mother’s family; I don’t speak with either Michael or Andrea anymore. I’m sure the circumstances of their ultimate demise are something that will be taken into consideration, but you probably don’t know the whole story. My parent’s marriage was an abusive one as far back as I can remember, not physically abusive, but emotionally and verbally it amounted to more damage than any blow could. It was not one sided either, as many have been lead to believe. I watched their relationship in its ups and downs, and I don’t want you to think that Michael was the instigator in most of their fights. While it’s true that Michael did play his part, my mother played her part as well. I was in high school when they reached their nine year anniversary. They fought on a regular basis then; it was almost shocking if there was a quiet night in our household. It was then that I understood why my mother stayed in this destructive relationship even though she knew that she could break free anytime: the ten year mark. Every time I asked her, “Why are you staying, why can’t we leave?” I got the speech about what ten years meant. Ten years meant she would get half, half of his retirement, half of the house, half of everything they owned. She told me that she would hold on as long as possible because every year that she stayed, she would get more. That’s all she ever wanted, to drain Michael of everything she could. She knew what was coming, she knew that the abusive relationship they created would only grow and fester and become even more abusive as time passed, but she felt it was worth it. She knew that he would make a mistake eventually and she would take advantage of it.
I understand that there are rules and regulations and procedures that you have to follow as their case is settled, but you should be aware that she doesn’t deserve what she thinks she is justified to have. I’ve heard some of the lies she’s told and they almost make me laugh: She claims that things she bought as gifts for Michael, like his truck, are hers; even if she gets the truck, she doesn’t have a valid driver’s license now that she lives in Texas and will be unable to get one due to her disease. She says that she doesn’t want the bird that she loves and took with her to Texas; that it is his responsibility now because she has decided Casper doesn’t fit into her new lifestyle. She says that Michael kept the guns that she brought with her to Texas, guns she tried to sell to my fiancée and myself.
She uses everyone around her to get what she wants, and she feels justified in doing so because somewhere in her mind, she feels wronged by everyone. She used me, her own daughter, to earn a paycheck so that she can buy $80 t-shirts and buy her new boyfriend gifts and take him on trips. She lied to the courts and said that I lived with her when I was living with my fiancée -- in all honesty she doesn’t even have the right to claim anyone lives with her, she bums off the charity of her family under the pretense that she’s too “ill” to get a job and work like every other person—so that she could force my father into paying her child support for another year. Not only did she force him to provide her with a paycheck every month, she then decided that I was not worth her time and money and shut off my phone, the only thing she actually was providing me, and decided to stop talking to me after the case was decided, over five months ago. Even before that, when it was brought before her that her abusive ways toward me would not be overlooked if they occurred again, she decided that it would be more beneficial towards her if she sent me to a mental hospital under the pretense that I was “aggressive” and self destructive and trying to end my life, when in all reality I was eight months away from going to college, had acceptance letters from every college I applied to, and was excited to get away from the house I hated. Nevertheless, her lies won over a doctor at a hospital who assumed he knew me from three five minute conversations and sent me to Willow Springs in Reno, NV. She allowed me to stay there for three months and almost failed her portion of the program by refusing to participate the first month I was there. She left me in Nevada, collecting child support, social security, and other government funds for three months despite the fact that it was determined I didn’t need the serious treatment Willow Springs provided within weeks of my arrival. She left me there and didn’t care to call, or even answer the phone ONCE in the three months I was there despite the fact that I called three times every day. She let my dreams of going to The University of Colorado die by intentionally filing my student aid forms wrongly and refusing to forward the money necessary to secure my admission from my bank account to the school and then refused to allow an outside party to pay the fee for me. My mother intentionally refused to agree to a housing situation for me (even ones that did not involve me living with her or her having to contribute to my well-being at all) so that I would not be able to do things I dreamed of for years: go to prom, finish my senior year, or walk at my graduation. My mother intentionally ruined my dreams because she was angry at me for reporting her abuse.
No one, not Michael or Chelsey or the lawyers or therapists or psychiatrists, could give you the insight to my mother, the marriage she had with Michael, or her deceitful ways that I have. I watched the marriage build and was there when it crumbled, just like I watched my mother plan and scheme and research how she could ruin Michael’s life. She is a manipulative woman who does not deserve what she asks for. She wants Michael to be miserable while she marries her new boyfriend and gets everything she wants. I know that Michael has his faults and has done wrong, but he doesn’t deserve what she is asking. My mother has every opportunity in front of her, and the struggles she has gone through were caused by no one but herself. I am not one to cater to the disabled, I watched Michael fight through his illnesses and observed my mother nurture hers into a weapon and refused to accept the world my mother tried to put me in with her “mental illness” lies; despite that, I can still see that Michael is honestly disabled, he cannot work. To give her everything she is asking for, forcing him to work again while she gets her nails done and lays in bed all day, is simply tragic.
I’m not writing this letter to trash anyone or make my mom look bad, because she can do that very well all on her own; I’m writing it to try and show you that she isn’t what she says she is and she doesn’t deserve what she asks for. I’ve made my peace with my mother and Michael and I want nothing to do with either of them, but I don’t want either of them to be hurt by each other. They have hurt each other enough already.
Thank you for considering what I have to say, and I hope that you will take it all to heart before you make your decision.

If you could only see..

2010-05-29T11:04:00.002-06:00

You say you don't understand, that it doesn't make sense, that I need to come home, but you don't get it. You don't see, you've never seen it, you haven't felt it. If you could see the way he looks at me and the way his eyes shine, if you could only feel how I feel when he wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck; if you could only see, I know, I know for sure that you would understand. You can't see though, because you don't know how it feels to be consumed, to be completely engulfed in this sea of desire and adoration and the overwhelming need to be near him. You don't know how it feels to look in those blue gray eyes and know without saying anything that he loves me. You don't know what it's like to look at someone and SEE love. It's solid and whole and when I look at him, I can see it. You can't, and I'm sorry for that.

Most of this garbage that I write that these people seem to like is about you and how I let you infect my life.

2010-05-11T10:51:00.003-06:00

I didn't talk to you, my very own mother, on mother's day. You may be angry at me or disappointed or whatever you are, and I don't really care, but I want to explain, for me, not for you. I believe that mother's day was made to celebrate mothers, how great they are, how much they love you. I don't believe you deserve acknowledgment on that day simply because there is no thanks to give. Maybe you should thank me, thank me for being your child, thank me for allowing you to manipulate me, thank me for providing a source of income for you in these "hard" times for you. The thing is, you don't care about me, so why should I thank you? Should I thank you for forcing people to pay you every month while I can barely afford to eat? Should I thank you for taking all the things I loved most and expecting me to thank you? Should I thank you for never responding to me, never caring about me, only giving what was necessary to put on a good show? Should I thank you for being a shitty person and manipulating everyone around you to get what you want? Do you think that you deserve thanks?

Your smile.

2010-05-05T16:48:00.003-06:00

Your smile's a little different now,
Your eyes, they don't call out to me.
Your life's a little different now,
Your cries, they aren't heard by anyone.
Your smile's a little different now,
I can't tell if I like it or not.
Everything seems to be a little different now.
Your laugh, it changes all the time,
it's still as beautiful as ever,
you always had that, a beautiful laugh.
Your voice, it's just a little off,
they don't notice,
but I do.

Everything's just a little different because everything's just a little different.
I wonder if you will learn to live without, or if it will break you down.
I know you are strong because
Your smile, it's still the same brave smile that faces the world with arrogance,
Your eyes, they still seductively pull me in,
Your cries, they're still loud and angry and sad and scared,
Your laugh, it's still heartwarming and happy,
Your voice, it's still strong and stable when it tells everyone you're okay,
Your smile, it's still the smile that belongs to a beautiful woman who is convinced she can outlast this storm.

I know you are strong because of your smile.

Your smile is a little different now,
but it still shines as bright as ever.

2010-04-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

I see you sitting at the table, long an lean with a silly tan line and the most ridiculous outfit on. You're there and you don't know it, but I'm right here, thinking about how much I love you. It sounds so silly, but it's so true. I wish I could explain it to you, but I don't really know how. It's beautiful. You're beautiful, the most beautiful thing in my world. I should be writing my vows, but I get so lost in them. I'm not a very good communicator, which is ironic, considering that I'm a manipulative woman who uses my mouth for the majority of my manipulation, but that's a different skill. This is trying to let my heart talk and that just isn't done. I wish I could use other people's words, words that have been said more times that I can count:
"How do I love thee, let me count the ways"

To my younger self:

2010-04-27T20:45:00.003-06:00

Hello,
I am not old, by any means, and I know you would think I am silly for calling you young, but I look back and I see just how YOUNG you were. Maybe it's not all how young you were, but how young you wanted to be. I believe you wanted to be young. I really do. I don't intend on blaming this situation on your parents, because that has been over done. I think you grew up entirely too fast, but I think that many people your age grew up too fast. It was a fast era. I know why that happened, and you do too, so I won't get into that.
My purpose in writing you this letter is to tell you to slow down. I want you to have fun, party, do all the things everyone else is doing! Stop trying to fix everyone else's mistakes. You won't fix them, I promise, I tried and I failed every time. I wish you would try a little harder to show everyone that you're not an adult. I think they tried to make you into an adult far before you were one and much too soon for you to want to be one.
Don't get me wrong, I think you turned out pretty awesome, I just wish you had some of those memories that everyone else had. That was the time in your life when you could make them. Now everyone's grown and moved away and everything that is in your life now is gone. Literally, pretty much EVERYTHING that you know and love and crave and admire and hate and feel passionate about, it's gone. Only the basics remain: you're still you, you still have your camera and your music. Even that changes a little though.
I want you to do those things for me because maybe then they will carry on to me. Maybe then things will be just a little more perfect. Maybe then we will both be able to stop blaming them and we will be able to say that we lived our life the way we wanted. Because you won't admit it, but I am just telling you what you want, the things you wish you could have but you know you can't so you don't even try for it. I know you want it. I wish I could give it to you.

Good Luck,
me.

The mind of the poet

2010-04-27T20:26:00.002-06:00

It's in the mind of the poet that I know I am home.
Reading and exploring, reliving and remembering,
all through the words kept in the mind of the poet.

I feel more alive in the mind of the poet
because I remember who I was when I was a poet.
It's much harder to get into the mind of the poet
when my mind is exploring my very own mind.
It's much harder to understand the mind of the poet
if the poet doesn't understand herself.

So instead of fighting with the mind in myself
to try and understand all of these thoughts,
I choose to explore the mind of a poet who has more experience than I.

Home

2010-03-16T13:39:00.002-06:00

I want to go home. Home where I belong. Home where I'm entertaining and entertained. Home where smoking was fun. Home where crying on your porch at three am was okay because I knew we'd make it better tomorrow. Home where I'm comfortable. Home where I fall asleep in your arms. Home where I get too drunk and take way too many shots and you just give me the look. Home where you make me meet all the bouncers just in case I die. Home where I take fifty million pictures. Home where everything is okay and everything will be okay and it's summer and I'm wearing my sundress and you're there with me and they're there with me and everything is okay. But the past doesn't meet up with the present often enough and the in between times leave me craving more from the present, more from the past, more from the future.

The Average American Male

2010-03-16T13:14:00.002-06:00

I just devoured my most recent purchase, The Average American Male. It was good, almost great. Considering my sex drive it was almost shocking to me that someone is THAT obsessed with sex. Maybe that's normal, maybe not. I'll never know.
That's not why I decided to blog today though, it was his view on marriage that brought me to it. His girlfriend, Alyna, she seems like me when I met John; all kinds of doin' it all the time, totally anti marriage, young and directionless and horny. Watching her relationship with the narrator progress throughout the book was depressing. I can't help but wonder if that will be me. Obviously I don't want it to and say it never would, but the truth is that her future is more likely for me than continuing this way forever.
In case you're unaware, I'm getting married. I think we're basically married now, but he wants to be MARRIED married, so we're doing it. I say he wants to do it like I don't, but I honestly do. As the whole thing gets closer I'm getting more and more excited, not more and more anxious.I think it'll be great, and despite how much he hates when I say it, it's going to be fun. I'm getting married to my best friend, what could be better than that? Over the course of our relationship, he really has become my best friend. He's who I go to for everything.
That being said, I don't feel like our life could ever get monotonous or boring. Sure, we have slow days, but sometimes the chill days are the best. I can't think of anyone I would rather spend the rest of my life with, or even the rest of the day. I can't honestly picture a day without him. Who would I eat dinner with? Who would kiss me goodnight? Who would I go to for all my ridiculous ideas and requests?
Spending the rest of my life with him also poses other questions. Although not spending my life with him is not optional, what about the other what ifs? What if we get boring? What if we have quintuplets and stop having sex? What if he hates his life and decides to spice it up with another woman? What if I turn into Alyna? What if he turns into the average American male?

Lucky.

2010-03-03T15:19:00.001-07:00

It's crazy, how you can feel so lucky, so invincible, so perfect, but you never really know until you know. Less than ten minutes ago the most beautiful man in the world was laying next to me. He's sick. I can't make it better and it's breaking my heart. He's my world, my whole world. He's my best friend and everything I ever wanted. And watching him sleep makes me realize something incredible: I am SO lucky. So lucky. I have what almost everyone wants. My whole life is crashing around me but I can't feel it at all. I just know that I still have him and while I've got him the world couldn't be more perfect.

Reading your thoughts and guessing my own..

2010-02-08T14:08:00.002-07:00

I read his journals/diaries/ whatever you want to call them. It's hard. It's very hard to hear him talking about how in love he is with someone else. It's like a little dagger going straight to my heart, a little death each day I intrude in, a little death I beg for. It's a hurt I can't stop myself from indulging in. I keep looking, searching for an ounce of doubt in them, something that tells me he knew they were wrong before it all started. But there's no reassurance in his past self's words. Just a hopeless romantic. It's heartbreaking in a way I can't explain. I guess I feel like I'm them, just the current version. I'm just another girl he fell in love with and wanted to marry. Sometimes I get scared. I want him to want ME forever, not to just want a forever with someone. Does that make sense? I think that's why I'm so scared to do it right now. I'm doing this once and I'm doing it big and I'll never do it again, despite the potential poor outcome of this. I don't like to think of that either. As much as I search through his past for doubt, I search through mine to make this love more real. I can find it, the doubt, the flaw in each of my past loves. I see that the doubt was the same in each of my past loves. I can't explain it, I just knew. I don't know here, it feels real, feels right, I can't explain it. I feel like I belong. I wish there was a stronger word than love, because this is much more than love. I want him to be there every day with me, holding my hand. I need him next to me at night when I fall asleep. I don't want to live a life he's not a part of. I'm not saying I couldn't do it, I just never want to.

This is life?

2010-01-18T12:10:00.002-07:00

Crying on the side of the street, praying for something to happen, praying for it to stop.
Laughing and holding your hand and feeling like forever is platinum.
Sleeping on a pillow of whiskey and vodka, trying to quench his fears and not abandon my self respect.
Dancing around the clubs, smiling with my face in his neck, knowing that everyone is jealous.
Fighting with them, shouting that they're wrong, crossing my fingers that I'm right.
Laying there and not wanting to move, never move, let this moment continue forever.
Ignoring the tears streaming down my face and the cold wind chapping my bare legs, focusing on how to fix this.
Singing in the car and planning out forever, our plan to rule the world.
Listening to his speech on how this is life and I'm not ready for it.
Wondering: is this life? This can't be life.

See, so here's the thing.

2009-10-08T00:52:00.001-06:00

As much as you say I'm immature and naive and irresponsible and underqualified and whatever the fuck you think. I'm not. And all of you can kiss my ass because I don't care.

Pris and Vana thoughts

2009-10-01T00:31:00.002-06:00

So we have this theory that life is basically a dream. Like, you're not living, you're just dreaming. I can't wait to wake up and actually live.
We also decided, or I decided that el paso fucking sucks. There's nothing here for an 18 yr old to do.
And boys and love and all that shit is entirely too complicated. She wants someone to NOT be an asshole and I am begging someone to be an asshole. Make our lives easier. It's so much easier to decided when one person is an asshole...
We also have this strange fear that when we are peeing, we're really dreaming and about to pee our pants. So we pinch/wake ourselves somehow to ensure that we are not dreaming and will not wet the bed.
So, I want to go home. And I want to live like I'm 18 and invincible and nothing will ever change. But it's okay, because life is a rollercoaster, and what goes up must come down, and what goes down will eventually go back up.
We have also noticed that Opa is happier.
Now we're discussing the awkward things that happened when we were kids.
And I think I've found that karma is a bitch and killing me with kindness.. FUCK MY LIFE.
And 8 is my lucky number. Which is also bad, because I'm at number 7 now. If I get pregnant, I'm using this as proof that I AM NOT FUCKING SUPERSTITIOUS!
And if I fall in love with you, please don't hold it against me. Please. I'm sorry.

Remember those days?

2009-09-21T18:19:00.001-06:00

When we were young and spontaneous and did things just because we could?
When allyways were as close as we got to hotel rooms?
When starbucks was a priority?
When naked pictures were meant to be phone backgrounds and shown off in anatomy?
When we lived on bagels and tea?
When we did illegal things just because we could?
When I would pick up married men in walmart?
When I got you HSG's phone number?
When we called padiddle on every light possible?
When Chinese food was a delicacy?
When we skipped all the school's pep rallies and presentations?
When we sang pink on nights we rocked out?
When that dumb ass cop pulled you over for following to closely?
When we went to walmart so I could pee on a stick and pray?
When the ice skating rink wouldn't let us skate?
When mate' was free on Saturdays?
When we'd go to that store just for some sex in the shower?
When we blared 151 rum all through town?
When I sat in the parking lot at walmart because I misspelled a word?
When everything was mostly innocent and everything was fun?
I miss that. Take me back there.

Myspace Survey much? Just because it's almost funny.

2009-09-20T00:44:00.001-06:00

Where is your Mother?
Right next to me. Being a creep and blaming my baby for something he had absolutely nothing to do with... Grrrrrrrr...

Where is your Father?
In Oklahomo. Where the Homosexuals roam, and the queers and the transvestites play...... (It's a song. well. Kindof. [ http://www.kididdles.com/lyrics/h020.html ] See, I told you so... sortof.)

Do you like to swim?
Indeed, but I hate getting wet. Awkward. I also enjoy the rain and playing in the rain, despite this aversion to being/getting wet. Oh, what a complicated child I am. Well. Not CHILD, cause I'm an adult now, even though my mom still gets child support from me. I'm an adult dammit. Do not doubt me!

Do you need to return anyones phone call?
Yes. For about a month now. Haha. I'm a bad person. I should probably do that, but you see, I'm self centered and careless and 18 and invicible, so I won't. One day I'll regret that, but one day will not come soon.

Where were you born?
Hanua, Germany. It's where all the cool kids were born.

Where do you keep your birth certificate?
I actually don't have one... It makes getting my license in the city of illegals really fun. NOT.

How many days until your birthday?
Almost a year. I just had my birthday. It was slightly uneventful. I felt pain, a lot of pain. But I enjoy pain, so it was good for me. I hate birthdays.

What is the closest orange object to you?
A candle. I just legitimately searched all over this room for something orange. Wow, I'm cool.

Have you sneezed in the past hour?
No. I have screamed. And coughed. I sneeze funny. I don't know if you knew that, but it's an interesting thought. I hold in my sneezes, I can't help it, it's a reaction. My ex said it's going to make me break my ribs. Apparently your sneezes come out super fast and if you hold them in you can break your ribs or get an anurism or some shit. I don't believe it, so I will continue to allow my body to hold in my sneezes. Plus it's kind of gross when you sneeze openly. Especially if you have a cold, snot flies everywhere. It's nasty. I hated that when I was in school. Or when cold season rolls around and someone in your class is constantly sniffing up their snot. Ewwww... It's even worse when you have that creep who doesn't sniff all softly but sucks it up into his brain. And you can hear it go all the way up too. Ugh. That's so nasty. I dislike body functions like that. They're gross. I wish our bodies didn't have nastyness coming out of them all the time, that would be awesome. But then we'd only live a few weeks because our shit would poison our body and kill us. But I wouldn't have to deal with people's nasty snot noses, so I'm fine with the few weeks option. Just no more snotty noses.

How many books are in your room?
About ten. Most of them are books I stole from my school. I'm naughty. = ) I've never actually read those books though. I probably should, but seriously, they're like Shakespeare and The Clockwork Orange. I don't know which is worse. Have you ever read The Clockwork Orange? Here's a quote from the book: "Alex: There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim. And we sat in the Korova Milkbar, trying to make up our razudoks what to do with the evening. The Korova Milkbar sold milk-plus; milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and get you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence." It gets worse too. This is just the beginning of the torture that is the Clockwork Orange. And we all know Shakespeare. There's a Bible thrown in there too. That one's not so bad, but it has its moments.

What did you last eat?
A bite of cake. I didn't like it. It was sour. I don't enjoy sour things, I prefer sweet things. Like cake, normally. Except not that cake. Ah, the disappointment.

Who is your favorite teacher of all time?
Mr. Rosenthal. He's the best EVER. I love that guy. If he started a blog, it would be a worldwide hit. I've never met anyone as fascinating as him. And he's a teacher. Since when did teachers become cool. Teachers aren't supposed to be cool, they're supposed to live in hovels and only come out for school. That's like the weirdest thing ever: seeing your teacher outside of school. Especially if it's in a cool place, like a club or a party or a bar. Ick. It feels so weird.

Name one of your goals for this year?
To be in a relationship for at least one month. hah. Which is probably impossible for me, knowing my relationships, but you never know. I think the one I'm trying for right now would put up with me for a month. I hope so at least, if he didn't, that would be a supreme disappointment. I'd probably flip out. I dedicated months to writing him and thinking of ways to make him happy. If he dropped me I don't know what I'd do. Shelby would need to prepare the ice cream and chocolate and begin recording the lifetime movies, cause I'd need them.

What is the biggest trouble you have ever been in?
I have two felonies. Is that big enough trouble? Yes, I'm a bad girl. Yes, it's okay to admit that it's hot. You know it's hot. Don't lie to yourself. I'm a good girl too, which really just ups the ante. Yes, actually, I am the best. Don't let my cockiness get to you though, I'm secretly very self conscious, but shhhhhh, don't tell anyone, I'm posting this secret in a bulliten, so it's obviously very important that no one know.

Did you cry because Michael Jackson died?
No. He's creepy. He held his kid over a balcony and had a face made out of plastic and playdoh. I wonder if his face will even decompose, or will Michael Jackson's face be forever preserved in the ground. In two hundred years, someone will dig up his grave and open the casket just to see his face lookin just as smokin hot as it did when he was alive. Coughcough....

What does your 9th message on your phone say?
No clue. I haven't texted all day. I'm lame and have no friends because no one likes me and no one wants to talk to me because all of my friends secretly hate me. And you know, I don't have a phone so I couldn't answer this question honestly anyway.

Look to your left. What's there?
My mama. Yes, the one who wrongfully accused my gorgeous baby of being a jerk. It's okay, she'll have to look at his scantily clad GORGEOUS body every time I minimize my windows. Which is frequently. Why frequently? BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING GORGEOUS. And everytime I look at him I get excited about November all over again. Mmmmm. November, come sooner! I can't wait. I may go lingerie shopping again tonight now that I'm all stoked for november. That was probably TMI, huh? Oh well.

Ever pop someone else's pimple?
Yeah, my sister was too afraid to do her own, so I did it. I watched this really funny video earlier with my mom that Andrew sweetheart posted of this guy with this fuckin nasty zit. It's HUGE. Here it is. It's fuckin nasty, so don't watch if you don't have a strong stomach:

How long does it take you to fall asleep?
A while. I have too many thoughts to fall asleep quickly. It confuses me how people sleep fast. Like, do you not have thoughts or something? What's going on with that shit?

Are you scared about the end of the world?
Bring it on, baby.

Is there a TV in the room you are in?
Indeed. A massive one. It's pimp. I love this TV. I hate watching it, but I love having it. It makes me feel cool. Like I'm from some rich family or something.

What are you looking forward to?
NOVEMBER! It's coming, less than fifty days. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm so excited. Hold on one second, I have to go look at my baby's picture again. = ) Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Yes, I am excited for this adventure. It will be fantastic.

What comes to your mind when I say red?
I see a thong.... Don't ask why... I'm a tramp... And I'm thinking about November and the things I must buy and do. A red thong it one of those things. I already have the bra, but I do not own the thong anymore. I must find one! Victoria's Secret, HERE I COME! "Up, Up, And AWAY!" Says Cabs the anti-superhero.

What other language do you want to be fluent in?
French. Not really though. I used to want to learn Latin, but then I realized I'd have no one to talk to but Catholic priests, and that's pretty boring. Can you imagine that conversation? Here's a run down of the talk:
Savannah the skank ho: So, do you guys wear underwear under those dresses?
Bob the priest: I find that question unsatisfactory, you must find god young woman! REPENT! REPENT!
Savannah the skank ho: Is that denial I hear in your voice? Yes, yes it is. It's okay, don't feel bad, I don't wear underwear under my dresses either.
Bob the priest: The devil is upon you. Come, to my chambers so that I may exorcise the demons from your body.
Savannah the skank ho: Uh huh, "EXORCISE" suuuuuuuuuuure, I think you mistranslated that one sir, you meant exercise the ... from my body.
Bob the priest: You are appalling, girl.
Savannah the skank ho: You like it.

Do you crack your neck often?
Ew. No. I hold people who crack their neck and people who drive PT Cruisers and shop at K-Mart on the same level. It's not a very high level.

Do you usually hold your pee for a long time?
Yes, I don't regard my body's needs when I should. I don't eat when my stomach growls nor do I drink when I'm thirsty. I just kindof do whatever until I feel pain. My world is ruled by pain. It's true. If I'm not paying attention to you, all you have to do is punch me, You'll instantly have my full attention. And possibly a black eye depending on how much you hurt me. But you'll have my attention, and that is the important factor here.

Is it possible to lick your elbow?
I'm pretty sure that's physically impossible. But it's funny to watch stupid blonde girls try. = ) I love them, stupid blonde girls. They're so funny. Here's a joke about one for you:
A guy goes out on a date with this blonde girl, but he's been having some trouble with his lights. He asks the girl to go outside of the car and watch to see if his blinkers come on. He turns them on and she shouts, "Yes, No, Yes, No,Yes, No, Yes, No....."

Worst feeling in the world?
To me personally, Disappointment. That's killer. I better not feel any disappointment come November or I'll be a very upset girl. But we're not going to think about that, because it will NOT be disappointing. I've waited entirely too long for this to be disappointing. And it can't possibly be worse than other things (people) I've experienced..... coughcough...

What's your current favorite commercial?
I don't watch tv enough to have a favorite commercial. What kind of person thinks of that. "Man, I like this commercial. Compared to my other favorite commercials this one is bomb. I have got to TiVo this commercial, it's the best ever. Man, I hope they put this one on during the superbowl. It's fuckin awesome."

Name something you think is pointless?
Television. I hate the TV. And the microwave. They made everyone lazy. I'm calling it right now, give us two hundred years and Wall-E will totally come true. Bring on the Fatties! PIG PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Yes, Shelby, that was for you. = ) ]

Favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco Bell. Yo Quiro Taco Bell. Yes, that was my spanish for today. Fuck all of you other mexicans who came into my store asking me to speak to you in your language. I speak English dammit. Wanna know why? CAUSE WE LIVE IN AMERICA! Whore. Learn some english already, I'm tired of trying to decipher your oogala boogala spanish shit.

Have you ever been in a fist fight?
Nah. I don't enjoy touching people, so fighting is out for me. Too much physical contact. The only person I like to touch is my boyfriend, otherwise, stay away bitch, or I'll bite you. I'm not kidding. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

Would you concider yourself as a pyro?
Hi, have you met me? Have you seen my body? Yes, I'm a pyro. Burn,. baby, Burn!

Did you have a weird dream last night?
Yeah, I dreamt I was in Reno again, and I was crying because they were making me stay there, which was illegal because I'm 18 now. It was terrible. I hated it. The only dreams I remember anymore are of Reno. Strange.

Do you wish at 11:11?
If I remember. I generally do not. I have this thing called a life, it keeps me from watching the clock waiting for 11:11 so I can make a wish that won't come true. I apologize if that's disappointing.

Do surveys really cure boredom?
This one is. I'm making my answers incredibly long and entertaining (to me). I enjoy doing that. Elaborating things that need no elaboration and entertaining myself. I should be a lawyer....

PS: The guy from Spiderman, You know who I'm talking about? I find his voice extremely annoying and aggravating. I wish he would go to voice lessons and change that. Whimpy, monotone voices are unattractive.

Memories of times spent.

2009-09-17T16:36:00.003-06:00

We just got out of the BMW. That thing makes me feel like a million bucks, top down, music blaring, going just a little too fast, it's beautiful. But I hate it a little. It reminds me of all those summer days spent stealing attention and making the world jealous. It reminds me of that first day, when he showed up with the little white mustang and revved his engine just for me. Just so I would notice. It reminds me of that day, when they showed up at my front door with the convertible, just looking cool, and knowing that it was the best. It reminds me of the times spend in hospital parking lots. It reminds me of driving aimlessly searching for someplace that had what we needed. It reminds me of Chinese Food. It reminds me of watching him drive away that one last time and knowing the last thing he said to me was I love you. It reminds me that it was all a lie, and I should forget these things, but something about driving with the top down and throwing myself into the air and feeling like for once, I'm really free, it reminds me of him. I need new memories.

Tweet, Tweet...

2009-09-17T15:04:00.000-06:00

A little birdy told me that Savannah ahs a twitter. Oh my.
http://twitter.com/vanas825

There it is. It's new and I'm lame and almost no one wants to follow me, but it's cool. I'll figure this thing out soon... I hope... In the meantime, go there to read all of my random thoughts.. And whatever my new favorite song is.

Hi, I'm Savannah and I'm awesome.

2009-09-16T21:17:00.000-06:00

Yep, I introduced myself like that today. Cause guess what?
I'm Savannah....

And I'm AWESOME.

Lingerie

2009-09-16T21:12:00.002-06:00

Hello Victoria's Secret, how are you today? I've begun window shopping for my November Adventure. I like the way that sounds, don't you? November Adventure. Mmmmm... I'm getting excited. I wonder what will happen. I wonder if I'm getting ahead of myself by purchasing ridiculous underwear and "babydolls" and lovely lace push up's. I hope not. I guess if I am, at least I can wear them around my house when I move out..

Just a Savannah Update.

2009-09-14T20:53:00.007-06:00

Hi. Haven't told you about what's new with me recently. So here it goes. Some isn't new, but most is. You'll get over it.
1) I'm still a bad person. End of conversation.
2) I have a tattoo now
.
3) I have ten holes now. My hips, belly, back, rook, traguses, and lobes.

4) I'm skinny again. As you can see from my tummy above.
5) I've decided on my next two tattoos, a star behind my ear (the kind I draw, uneven) and Matthew 6:34 around my right wrist.
6) I have a kitten, her name is Dae. She is beautiful. She's basically the cat version of me. She's playful and bossy and pushes the other cats around, but everyone loves her. She doesn't like to be touched but by me, and she knows at the end of the day who she's sleeping with. I love her.
7) I still can't wait for my marine to come home, I'm starting to get super excited.
8) Brandon and I are not speaking. It's not good for me. It hurts me, but I'm doing this. I can do this.
9) My mom is here. It's nerve wracking, but I'm also trying hard to do make this work.
10) I have a job. At Walgreens. Pah. But it's better than nothing, and it keeps my mind off home.

That's what I have right now. I'm rocking my life as best as I can. It's hard, and I hate it here, but I'm trying and I'm doing my best.